Who made the world?
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Who made the world?
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
He remembered me as the grandmother who calls him TK. Because I am the only one who cannot call him Tuni, it just doesn't fit for me. Tuni Kitkawu is his first and middle Native American name meaning young blood. His daddy is a Mi-Wuk dancer with long black hair and TK is the blonde blue eyed version, of his daddy's culture.
I had not seen him for a few months when he had arrived at my door that day. Time is longer in toddler years but he ran to me hugging my torso. He saw the walker that he had grown up riding and then heard my voice yelling out "TK." He new that the grandma that he called on the phone, spoke funny and called him TK was me in the flesh. Last I had seen him he was a typical 3yr old with charm. This 3 1/2 yr old was very different.
The new TK was inquisitive and always asked why, no matter how many answers he received. He had better manners than his own parents and if they told him no he obeyed. He would ask for things in the third person like "Tuni likes juice" and we replied "would you like some?"Tuni came back with "yes, thank you." Watching him with his mom was so special for me because she was so affectionate with him. It made me see the cycle of robotic affection had been broken and it flourished in that family. I was so moved by just watching them.
There was a fracture in previous generations in my family that kept emotions inside. There were thank you hugs, goodbye hugs and visiting relative forced hugs. Jess and TK's love was much deeper and part of me still craves that. I knew I wanted more affection as a kid but never knew how to get it. Sadly, I tried hard to be more affectionate with my own kids but I would forget in the business of life. Happily I'm now a witness to such strong love that it brought tears just to watch. I told my daughter what an excellent job she had done in finding the balance of being affectionate and firm. He was a delightful child to be around and that was not what I expected.
I'm writing this particular visit in my journal because of one moment in time that I will never forget. It was early evening and the house was full of noise. Dave cooking, Jess was watching a movie and I was in my recliner just relaxing. When TK came up from behind me asking "watcha doin gramy?" "not much TK " I replied. He then crawled into the crook of my arm and body while looking into my eyes silently. In that moment TK was no longer there as I gazed into my mother's eyes. She took the back of her hand and gently caressed the side of my face. She spoke through TK' s eyes telling me she was sorry for my pain but that it will be okay. After an I love you she vanished as TK bent over to kiss me without a word. He squirmed off of my lap to see what grampy was cooking. 3yr olds don't do that with their hands or get that look.
My mom died suddenly of the benz, while scuba diving, at 44. What a special way to let me know she's watching and loving me still.
Created by Tammy Brierly at 2:33 PM
Sunday, August 23, 2009
My girls both are adults now and one has a child. I see what growing up under the cloud of ALS has changed who they have become. They have anger toward me at the lost innocence of their childhood but I know it's anger at ALS. They are terrified of losing anyone they love and their own mortality. They want me close but I moved two hours away for us all. They are my caregivers when they visit but by choice. I think in a way they miss what we had. They are adults now and I'm beginning to see myself in them as they struggle through. Fragile but not living in a fantasy world. I think they will be okay. I'm sorry my babies but mamas sticking around. ;)
Created by Tammy Brierly at 3:04 PM
Saturday, August 15, 2009
What dinner party would be complete without an opposing view and fellow ALS sufferer, Stephen Hawking. The debate with Jesus over the universe would be mind blowing. I'd also like his secret of surviving 40 years with ALS. Jesus might have a say in that too.
Another interesting choice would be Abe Lincoln. I'd like some answers on how he would tackle the mess we have made in our country. What would Abe do?
I'd have to sit Colin Powell across from Abe to hear some innovative solutions that together they could come up with. Of course Jesus and Stephen would probably jump in at some point. They could not help themselves I'm sure. lol
Mother Teresa would definitely be there to keep things from getting heated. I'd like to ask her what kept her going and how she felt when it was coming to an end. What would she do differently knowing what she now knows to be true.
Mary Oliver would be there to read her beautiful poetry over dessert on the veranda. I'd ask her endless questions on her writing process.
Last on my list would be Brad Pit. Why? Just to look at as I take in all the interesting conversations. Kind of like a center piece that just sits quietly and smiles.
Bonus if you share your menu:
Seared sea scallops to start
Roasted lamb with potato fondant and grilled vegetables. Jesus...dah!
Creme' Brulee for dessert
Created by Tammy Brierly at 4:15 PM