Monday, January 22, 2007

Frustrated

It's the middle of winter and I'm frustrated that I have let my life suck me dry of creative motivation. I don't want to blog, work on my novel or read. This is not me and I know the cause but I can't seem to shake it, so I'm posting it away!

Winter is very hard on ALS. I don't leave the house much, I get very weak and off balance from being stationary due to the cold. My over-salivation is causing windpipe choking, I've lost my confidence in what I used to do without thinking and my meds at night are not working as well on stiffness because my body has gotten too used to them. My mind starts to convince me that I'm progressing and in a small way I am. I'm not whining because this has been going on for 16 winters now and with updated medicine dosages I will do better. Spring will brighten my mood and the sun will warm my body just like everyone else. I just miss my creativity and refuse to wait for Spring!

Dave has been gutting our bathroom due to dry rot and mold for a week (two weekends). It's good to do indoor projects in winter but I've had to hike to shower to our mudroom bath, across the house, while looking at my precious toilet in the backyard. I brushed my teeth in the kitchen sink and my stuff was scattered all over the house. It's was a pain mainly because I'm so short in that tiny shower stall I felt like I was drowning. I must admit though that Dave's conversations with the corroded fixtures, his colorful language and his adorable plummer's crack was almost worth the hassle. He called in sick in the middle of the week just to get me out of the house for a movie. The pursuit of Happyness" with Will Smith made me see how blessed I am even without my mojo and my toilet.

While all this was happening my sweet little dog Nikki had been keeping people away with her bad breath, so we took her to the vet for a teeth cleaning. We found out she had a growth and needed a biopsy on her gum...here we go again! Flashes of Manny came into my head. Turned out biopsy was clean of cancer, eight teeth were removed and a cleaning was completed. When they called with the cost of her big day I was horrified! I was thinking of what we needed for the new house yet and was scared to tell (watch our money) Dave how much it was. I called him at work (chicken that I am) and he said "aww...poor Nikki" AFTER I said $449 bucks. Who stole my husband?...Nikki, that's who! There goes my vanity for the new house and when did Nikki become my competition!

Somewhere in this chaotic winter I lost my upbeat attitude, so over the weekend I cranked up my electric blanket and watched the Lifetime movie channel. Wouldn't you know they would be showing a movie of a woman dying with ALS...yup! Did I mention heightened emotions are part of ALS? In bed I stayed!


The bathroom looks great and my toilet is in its proper place. I can once again enjoy my morning Nikki kisses without holding my breath. Maybe my mojo will return soon?

17 comments:

Jessie said...

I'm sending you a big fat hug, Tammy. Here's to better smelling puppy kisses, toilets that work, movie dates with your husband, and blankets to keep you warm!

Feel better. I'll be thinking about you!

Anonymous said...

Oh, Tammy. Wishing you warmer days ahead. But at least you've got Nikki's morning kisses back and a cute plumber to boot.

I'm kind of low in the mojo department myself. It seems like work sucks me dry this time of year (not to mention the weather). Better days are ahead for both of us.

Amber said...

I wouldn't worry too much about that potty in the yard, unless someone goes and plants something in it. ;)

You dear lady! You will get your mojo back, my gosh! I get a little down in the winter, and I don't have ALS, for crying out loud!

You can't lose the kind mojo you got, woman!

Have you had a chance to listen to the book yet? Let me know if you like it as much as I did.

oxoxox :)

Deb R said...

Sending lots of love and good thoughts your way, Tammy. I hope spring and better days come soon!

Anonymous said...

For you I hope the winter goes quick. Interesting about seasonal impact on ALS. With Patti's MS its high temperature and high humidity that works against her. Summer is her rough time.
Patrick http://journals.aol.com/daddyleer/CaregivinglyYours/

Neasa said...

Sending you hugs & affection. Motivation, like creativity, ebbs & flows - yours will return soon, replenished & renewed.

Anonymous said...

Mojo doesn't leave, it just hides. Perhaps mine is hiding with yours since I can't find it this week.

We shall overcome this thing that winter does to us, oh yeah!

blackdaisies said...

sending you all kinds of love for a quick return of your mojo babe!

hugs!

Anonymous said...

Oh, sweetie, write it out! It's normal to feel a little blue when we're stuck in with "cabin fever" due to the cold weather. Hope you're feeling better soon! And glad Nikki is fine.

Anonymous said...

I have lost my creative mojo as well but for very different reasons.
I know you probably don't want sympathy but I can't help ache a little when I read that winter is so hard on you.BUT I know the warrior will prevail come spring though. I send you very warm hugs, a comfy eiderdown and heartfelt hope for the mojo to return. Glad Nikki is ok.
XOXO
Love,
Lisa

Anonymous said...

First thank you so much for your supportive comments on my migraine posts! I appreciate it so much.

Second - I wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you and sending positive thoughts your way! I can only imagine your difficult time! Hugs to you from me!

Tammy

Nancy said...

Tammy...sweet Tammy,

You start off saying how you're not sure why you're in such a mood. Then your entry explains it just perfectly. You're allowed to be down and unmotivated once in a while. Give into in, cuddle with Nikki and feel whatever you need to feel. You will always come back...your spirit is way too great...and way too beautiful.

Much Love,
Nancy

Anonymous said...

You are so wonderful Tammy. I am sending you thoughts of spring...it is just around the corner.

Anonymous said...

Tammy, you are entitled to have some down days once in a while, especially in winter. I'm glad you shared it with us - we can all relate and commiserate before we get back on our horses and get on with life!

Sending you hugs and love :) xo

Anonymous said...

Your mojo is trying to hibernate! I'm glad Nikki got that breath sweet for more sweet kisses!! lol Love you Tammy! Yayyyyy! to Dave, the fixer-upper! It won't be that long til Spring! xo, Cinda

Anonymous said...

Mojo hides under the blankets when the weather isn't nice. It healthy to express your feelings. The weather will get better, warmer, soon. Because I said so!!!
Nikki is, awwww, woofie, kissie, I get so stupid around cutie-pie doggies. xoxo

AscenderRisesAbove said...

I sure do understand crawling under warm blankets and watching movies for hours. Sorry you are going through this right now and wishing you an early spring.