I've been feeling like I've lost my blog focus. I'm enjoying my club's, but when you crank out things on a personal deadline they start to become mediocre. I want to take time to go back over my poetry and edit them. Then I want to choose my favorites and bind them in a decorative book. I also want to get back to my "life story" book while attending online writing classes this fall. If I get that laptop, I'd like to do a "daily thoughts" journal too.
Practicing on my blog has become procrastination and in turn I have become dependent on my favorite commenter's (red flag). It's just a wake up call to take a good thing, blogging, and make it better by slowing it down. I want more balance and growth in my daytime writing hours. I've focused on my personal balance with Dave so now I need to keep moving forward.
I'm now able to swim without a wetsuit and more often, so I am feeling stronger. Dave and I are getting out more, playing with the Wii and gardening together. I no longer feel isolated up here but have adjusted to my surroundings in a productive way. Bloggers have encouraged me to spread my wings and I feel ready. I'll still be blogging and reading up on my friends, just not regularly. I still need that practice and of course my friend's. Please don't take it personally if I don't comment regularly but know I'm reading up on you. I just wanted you to know I'm not progressing physically but mentally.
I'm excited to jump in the deep end so wish me luck. ;)
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Jessy I found in my den doing what she had always done at my house, going through my photo albums. I wrapped my spirit around her in a protective embrace as I urged TK into the room. He looked into his mother's sad eyes and said don't worry mommy gramy is an angel watching over us. As she looked into his beautiful face she could see me in him and knew I'd always be near. She held him tightly as he looked over her shoulder, straight into my spirit, smiling. I blew him a kiss with a wink.
When Dave took my ashes to Kauai he felt lost, remembering how every visit I calmed him during the travel chaos. I followed him on the journey wrapping him in a calming love. I kept the chaos energy away from him. He hired a helicopter to fly over Bali Hai where we were married and he let my ashes cover the mountains. I wanted to look over "our beach" and the ocean. Knowing his ashes would one day follow mine, Dave felt my happiness. As he stood on the beach, just before sunset, I sent him the biggest double rainbow I could muster. He knew a part of me would always be with him and he smiled. He was grateful for the years we were given.
Once I knew they would be OK I felt my journey pulling me away. I did not feel sadness at leaving my most precious loves but a joy like nothing I've ever felt consumed me. I stood before an angel as he welcomed me. Behind him was my grandparents and mother waiting anxiously. The angel embraced me saying "well you certainly took your sweet time."
Created by Tammy Brierly at 6:47 PM
Friday, July 18, 2008
Created by Tammy Brierly at 12:28 PM
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
http://threewordwednesday.wordpress.com/ History, Narrow, Spent
Created by Tammy Brierly at 2:39 PM
Created by Tammy Brierly at 11:19 AM
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Created by Tammy Brierly at 10:26 AM
Friday, July 11, 2008
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Eight thousand dry lightning strikes has set California on fire. The erratic winds sending embers in flight, the heat wave fueling the fires, the smoke stealing the sun, the daisies curling into a fist, are a hell we cannot escape. The smoke permeates inside and out, making us prisoners in our home's, filling our lung's with second hand smoke, summer has become silent. Most importantly the brave firefighters risking their lives, while the people valiantly try to save their dreams, all these moments show the power of nature, of those who will chose to survive, the patience to endure or to simply pray.
At one time California has had 1043 fires that were active. I am not in a fire danger zone but how can the smoke not effect my lungs after more than a week. It's very hard to think about much else when you have evacuated family members, simply waiting. The National Guard is here to help but the visibility is making it tough to fight the fire from the air. Keep California in your thoughts and prayers.
Photo from Deviantart.com
Created by Tammy Brierly at 9:43 AM
Wednesday, July 09, 2008
Write on Wednesday had asked "What drains the energy from your “writing mind”? What do you do when your creative battery dies?
*Sijo is either narrative or thematic, this lyric verse introduces a situation or problem in line 1, development (called a turn) in line 2, and a strong conclusion beginning with a surprise (a twist) in line 3, which resolves tensions or questions raised by the other lines and provides a memorable ending. 3 lines of 14-16 syllables.
When I'm feeling sad or hurt I find it very hard to be creative. It's only after the negativity has stopped dominating every thought in my head, that I can write again. Forgiveness opens up the flood gates of feelings, but it's the prompts of my writing club's that pushes me forward. I take the residue of pain and use that prompt to write, heal and move on. I find that when a piece is close to my heart the readers can feel my writing. I once had my daughter get angry at me when she became a new mother. She did not return my calls for a month of my TK's life. That pain came out in a powerful poem thats emotion even surprised me. When I have written a piece close to my heart, good or bad, they are my favorites.
http://mylifeasawarrior.blogspot.com/2006/04/power-they-hold.html That poem to my daughter. I was just learning poetry and someday I might edit but not yet.
Photo from Dave's rose garden, taken by him.
Created by Tammy Brierly at 12:01 PM
Saturday, July 05, 2008
It was the summer of 1975 when I was 14 and boy crazy. My family was finishing up our three week RV vacation from hell. We had driven from CA to NJ straight across the good ole USA. Traveling home by way of Florida and the southern states. I missed most of the majestic views with my nose stuck in romance novels, bored to tears. My mom kept me well supplied with books throughout the trip to keep the peace between my younger brother and I. What do you get when you stick a bored 12yr old boy with his 14yr old sister couped up in a hot RV? Big trouble!
My mom decided she wanted to visit her aunt Booge in Newhall, CA on our way home. She owned a gun club in the boonies of southern CA. It was actually not very far from Hollywood but it looked like we were in the middle of nowhere at the time. Booge was an older woman that loved her gin, smoked and talked like a sailor. She didn't like kids and never had any of her own. She said what she thought and didn't care about tact. She didn't hesitate to ask my parents to leave me with her for the summer before we left. She said "just leave that one here and I'll put her to work" and mom mentioned my younger brother and she said "he's too young." I knew that with two working parents I'd be stuck at home all summer with my little brother. I begged to be left with this intimidating character called Booge and they reluctantly agreed.
The Oak Tree Gun Club was full of cute high school boys hired to pull skeet and trap for the summer. I was the only girl besides my aunt and felt as if I'd died and gone to heaven. Did I mention Magic Mountain was 3 miles away? We pulled skeet and trap for hunters and the very rich. Actors, brain surgeons and producers. They would tip us if we carried their caviar and champagne ice chests to the range. If we did not hit the button fast enough they would complain and get a new trap kid or a free round. I could not stand these stuck up men but I liked the tournament guys that were considered the good ole boys. They also liked having a sweet young thing like me at the range. I learned to shoot 12 gauge shot guns, but sported a bruised cheek for a week until I learned to keep my head down.
Do you recognise this regular? In 1975 he was know as Mr. Universe, who knew he'd be my Governor one day. Without the oiled skin he looked somewhat normal in shorts and a tank. I was ready to go on a date with the cutest trap boy at the range when my aunt called me into her office. Rolling my eye's I rushed into the office and there was this guy with her. My aunt said "Tammy I'd like you to meet a friend of mine" and she continued "Arnold this is my niece Tammy." He put his hand out so I did the same, but instead of shaking it he kissed it saying "Taaamy I'm very pleeeased to met you." I looked at him strangely and then looked at my aunt with eyes that begged to be excused. I responded with good manners and hurried off to my date. I pulled trap for Arnold later that week and because his muscles were so big, he could not bend them to pull the trigger. He could hit 17 out of 25 targets from the hip. Now that impressed me but Mr. Universe, not so much. He was a genuinely nice guy without an ego.
This guy was not just a regular but a family friend. He'd hang out after hours with his wife and stay for a BBQ. One day he asked me who my favorite movie star was and I swooned in my baked beans replying "Jan Michael Vincent." He chuckled and said he was making a movie with him called "Big Wednesday" and would try and get him to the range. I never got the chance to meet him that summer after all. Funny how these guys made it and my poor Jan Michael ended up a drug addict. Steven was also down to earth but probably doesn't remember that trap girl of 75.
That summer I was free to discover myself, learn a good work ethic, how to shoot and meet people that were really cool. Fourteen year old girls don't go gaw gaw for 30yr old actors and directors. Now if the guys from Teen Beat magazine were there shooting I would never have gone home. I wish I would have gone back every summer but high school and boyfriends became a priority. The summer of 75 rocked!
Created by Tammy Brierly at 9:33 AM
Wednesday, July 02, 2008
Created by Tammy Brierly at 3:19 PM
She lay in the dark unable to sleep. The bed seemed cold as the other side remained empty, untouched. She turned on her side watching the clock change into meaningless minutes. How many nights had she lost sleep, terrified he was dead in a ditch or in the arms of another. Sadly she no longer cared where he was or even if he was hurt. The love she once felt had poured from her body with her tears of hopelessness. She was empty, moving through each day giving to everyone but herself.
The questions that rattled around in her head in these quiet moments had answers. In the light of day the answers became blurred as she dressed the kids for daycare. He had slithered home before day break, into another room, hiding his leftover high. Indifferent to a new day of family and job responsibilities he ignored the lives living around him. She would drown out her cries for help by pushing it aside with work.
He had emotionally beat her down with his addiction. Sucking her in deeper by telling her no one would want her, she was ugly and fat. She thought she could save him from self destruction despite his cruelty. When she had thought he had changed she became hopeful. In those months she had seen the reasons she had fallen for him and naively became pregnant each time. Thinking the love of a family could be stronger than addiction. Her shame kept her down as she looked into her babies eye's. What had she done.
It was a beautiful soul that saw her pain and convinced her of her worth. He was a married man that she could never have and yet he taught her that she deserved love. He reached out out to her despite his own pain. It was not about physical closeness but about two hurting people being there for each other. He helped her see herself as he saw her and she grew stronger. It was an affair that was brief and could never be more. There was not an ounce of regret but instead a grateful clear heart. She finally had the courage to leave her husband and begin a new life.
Telling her husband she was leaving him was easy once she had made up her mind. When he saw her eye's he knew all feeling for him was gone but he could not accept it. In desperation he tried everything he could think of to keep his family together. Promises, more counseling and even flowers did not come close to erasing the scars. He just wanted one good reason why she would tear their family apart. She had left him in her heart long ago and she was done with explanations falling on deaf ears.
It was a long hard road to becoming a liberated woman. What amazed her was how easy it was to lose herself so completely in a relationship. It was not just about her youth or immaturity but about needing to be loved. She saw a pattern of dependency in her search. If it was not a man, it was as a mother and even her job. Forever watchful, she remains true to herself. Allowing relationships to enhance her life not consume it like an addiction.
http://threewordwednesday.wordpress.com/ Indifferent - Pour - Reason (Fiction)
Created by Tammy Brierly at 8:25 AM