Saturday, June 21, 2008

Sunday Scribblings - Prompt # 11

PROMPT
Write a short scene in which one character reduces another to uncontrollable sobs without touching him or speaking.

Eric slammed his fist angrily into the wall of the court house. This was crap and that judge knew it as he banged his gavel down in judgement of Eric. It was just a stupid hazing ritual that he and his frat brother's had done a hundred times without incident, until now. One of the new recruits ended up in the hospital from alcohol poisoning, so Eric, Tim and Ryan were being held responsible.

They had all three come from privileged families with top notch attorneys. Tim and Ryan got community service but Eric's adopted dad had their family lawyer draw up a special sentence request for Eric. They requested that Eric spend Christmas break with a local church group going to the Republic of Panama. The judge was more than pleased to comply but Eric felt betrayed and confused by his dad's actions.

Eric's dad calmly followed behind, waiting for him to calm down. As Eric turned back towards his dad he gave him a look that demanded an explanation. His dad took him aside to a near by bench and said "son this is not a punishment it's a gift." "Gift?" Eric shouted, "how is this nightmare a gift?" His dad gave him a one arm squeeze and replied "lets go home son." Eric knew by his dad's demeanor that this conversation was over.

Eric had been told he would be building a school and that is something he knew he could do. He had helped his dad build their hunting cabin. It was the thought of missing Christmas dinner and all of the festivities with his family. He was hoping to join his friend's in Aspen for some skiing. He simply could not understand the cruelty of this plan. Deep down he felt frightened for the first time in years as he said goodbye to his family. They acted as if he was going off to spring break for god's sake.

Tired and dusty Eric awoke from his seat on the rickety bus. There was a hot breeze blowing through the windowless bus as Eric gulped from his water bottle. He hid behind his shades as they entered the village. The smell was foul enough to make him raise the neck of his t-shirt over his nose and mouth. It was the eye's of the children running along side the bus that made him lower his glasses and take notice of the village.

Stepping into the crowd of begging children he had remembered the pain of hunger from the look in their eye's. He was too young to remember the village before he was taken away, but he had a few memories of his mother's face. He was told that he was found wandering the streets hungry, after his mother had died, when they found him. He tried to mentally see his life living in this village but it was impossible to imagine. As he moved about the village he realized what his dad had meant. This was a way to give back to his people and appreciate all he had been given.

He fell to his knees sobbing uncontrollably that his dad would give him such a gift.


http://kaninchen220.deviantart.com/art/Stares-From-Poverty-68135180 Photo
http://sundayscribblings.blogspot.com/ Writing club
http://www.mcsweeneys.net/2006/5/4wiencek.html Prompt choices

24 comments:

Granny Smith said...

This is a wonderful response to one of the extra credit prompts! This is inspiring as well. I hope to see more of your stories!

Devil Mood said...

You just reminded me of those extra prompts, I didn't pay attention but now I'm gripped. Well done - I think this is the first fiction I read from you, it's really well written :)

Lucy said...

WOW!!! Tammmy!!!! this is a fantastic story!
I love that ending even though I didn't see it coming!!
How brilliantly you executed that difficult prompt!
I have a niece and nephew who are adopted and I've often imagined what it would be like for them to go back to their roots.
BRAVO! xoxo

paisley said...

excellent!!! this gave me goose bumps!!! and i love that twist in the end!!!!!!

anno said...

This is a brilliant response to a challenging, no-way-am-I-going-near-this one, prompt. Lovely story -- I'm so glad to see you writing fiction!

Robbin with 2 B's! said...

When you have your book published, will you send me my own personal authographed copy? Please?
You are good at this. I wanted more.

Becca said...

Tammy, you have uncovered an amazing new gift -look how you can take an idea and make an entire universe evolve from it!

I'm happy for Eric- he learned a valuable lesson -and what an amazing karmic connection!

Giggles said...

Very Clever my friend just wonderful! Another sage piece from the wise one!

Hugs Sherrie

latree said...

I love this kind of story, twisted ends...

anthonynorth said...

A brilliant, and powerful, story. This was first class!

Robin said...

This blew me away.

Chris said...

Very nice way to stay away from the obvious, such as; break ups, last dying words, etc. Creative and moving.

Gill said...

I love your take on this prompt. Well done!

Jolene said...

This is wonderful!!

Very very good :)

Love ya

Joyce Ellen Davis said...

A+

rebecca said...

i had seen that prompt and drew a blank, yet you executed it so perfectly and seemingly effortless! i liked this story very much tammy...stories with life lessons at the end...bravo!

Tammie Lee said...

Profound story.This sentence was so much more than community service. Some how this seems like the beginning of a book, is it by any chance?

Star said...

Oooooooo, this is a good one! So much emotion behind the characters, and fortunately a lesson learned.

danni said...

hard hitting and wonderfully woven - you are a fantastic writer!!!

Eileen said...

Your words are so powerful. I am always reading on the edge of my seat. Always evokes so much emotion within me. I love reading your writing!

Thanks for the support. It meant so much. I appreciated it more than you know.

XOXOX

Nancy said...

Ok, now you're not just creative and special and all that...you are freakin' brilliant! How on earth did you come with such a great story? I love how you wrote it too.
I have one more word for you, girl:



PUBLISH!


Love you lots,
Nance

Annie said...

Outstanding Tammy. You have captured all the feeling, all the emotion, all the realization of life and the lessons to be learned.

bella said...

such evocative writing.
I just love coming here, being in your space, feeling your presence, soaking up your words.

daisies said...

your writing is so fabulous ... you knock my socks off! xo