Saturday, March 31, 2007

Sunday Scribbling - "Deepest,darkest"

This picture really represents my deepest and darkest fears. A stairway to tomorrow that I take one step at a time. I know what they say is through that door for me, but I have chosen to live my life with hope, not giving up my power. It has worked for me thus far, but there are flashes of my future that torture my mind. Will my spirit continue to fight as I slowly become more imprisoned in this body?

I am a women who wants to be desired in the most intimate of ways. I want to touch, kiss with passion and hug with ferocity. Will our sensual spirits be lost, as my partner tends to my needs? Will he feel passion rise as my leg brushes against his in the darkness? Or will he move away ever so slightly, afraid to hurt me? Will I remain beautiful to my partner, stuck in slow motion in a constant state of dishevelment, with no make-up and sweats? Yes, he made the choice, but how can we really know how we will respond, as its ugliness creeps into our lives. Will my spirit be enough to keep that look in his eye's?

I started life as a doormat but rose up from the ashes, taking back my power. I became an independent woman with many success's. I'm proud of myself and life has been very good. How can I return to a life with no voice? Will I accept graciously a caregiver attending my grooming and intimate needs? Left with choices made for me, not by me. Will I suffer in the end because of not being able to explain what my body needs? Will I be able to chose when I'm done? Can my spirit express what's inside and be heard?

These are my two deepest and darkest fears. I'm not afraid of dying but I'm afraid of losing me. I will never be alone in my fight and I know I'll always be loved, but dying can't be shared. While I keep my hope for a cure alive, I also prey I accept what ever is behind that door with dignity and grace. I'm a human being and a woman just fighting back my fears with whatever works!

To see other creative writing visit Sunday Scribblings at http://sundayscribblings.blogspot.com/



35 comments:

Star said...

Sometimes letting our fears see the light of day makes them less scary. I'm supporting you all the way as you continue to fight on the other side of the door that leads to this staircase.

trailbee said...

Oh, Tammy, what a stunning piece of prose. Scribble? A misnomer. Superb photo, also you and your grandson? My biggest fear is Alzheimer's, a cakewalk compared to yours.Biene

Chris said...

Wow. Stunning is the word. You,my friend, are a work of art.

Deb R said...

Those are big fears and you face them with amazing dignity and courage. {{{Tammy}}}

GoGo said...

Wow, I appreciate your candid response to this post. The courage to face those fears inspires me. Deb R really said it best.

GoGo

Mardougrrl said...

Wow...those are BIG fears indeed. How amazingly honest and brave you are. Your voice will definitely NOT be silenced.

Brian said...

((((Tammy)))

Speechless, never, with a voice as powerful as yours, you will never be unheard.

You are beautiful and caring, and you will be there until the end.

Pam said...

How well you have expressed what we fear and what we are fighting to overcome. Beautifully and bravely done, my dear friend. I have been thinking about writing about my fears, but hesitate. Your courage inspires me, as always, and maybe now I can.

Cynthia said...

Tammy, wow! I've always known you had tremendous courage. Getting this gut level honest about those fears could not have been easy. You did a wonderful job.

By the way, though I rarely comment, I do always read.

Remiman said...

Tammy,
You express a rare gift...to see and accept your inner fears, but then at the same time share those fears with unseen "friends" as well as those in your immediate world. This is your strength and is accessed one day at a time. Your courage is enviable and I'm humble in your light.
rel

Jone said...

Tammy,
Your courage, your honesty, and eloquence in writing is stunning. I am glad you are in my blogworld of friends. You inform, inspire and cause me to look deeper.

Becca said...

Tammy, the way you face the unknowns in your life, and the way you so bravely express your fears in your writing, inspires all of us to face our own fears with courage. All of us who read your words stand in a huge circle of support and love around you.
I'm proud to be part of that circle!

Crafty Green Poet said...

stunning courageous piece of prose.

Regina Clare Jane said...

Thank you for this beautiful and honest post, dear one... you are such a hero to me...
xoxo

Clare said...

Yes, stunning and hugely humbling. I don't think your voice will ever leave you. It's too strong.

Colorful Prose said...

I am admirative of your bravery and how you pinpoint the loss of ability and increasing dependency as more frightening than death itself.

gautami tripathy said...

I think with positive thoughts we can overcome anything. The negative thoughts bring us down. Just look forward and you need not fear anything. I say kudos that you could say this about yourself to all of us...

emmapeelDallas said...

Tammy,

This is beautiful and eloquent. I can't believe your voice will ever leave you, but regarding the unknown...remember the beautiful words of of Longfellow, in his Morituri Salutamus:

"And as the evening twilight fades away
The sky is filled with stars, invisible by day"

Judi

Caregivingly Yours said...

Courageously shared and helpful from the heart for all who share such 'stairways'.
Patrick http://journals.aol.com/daddyleer/CaregivinglyYours/

The Dream said...

Tammy,
You already ARE an example of dignity and grace!
It's so hard to not the fear future ... but the choice is pretty clear for me - to live in love or live in fear.
A friend likes to remind me every so often:
Why Pray? Worry.
OR
Why Worry? Pray
Peace.

Anonymous said...

Maybe you think you know what is ahead, but your life has surprised you in the past...why not in the future? As all have said, you are blessed with tremendous courage and energy. Add to that your creative spirit and we all try to emulate you!

TAbor

KG said...

Tammy, wow. You have so eloquently expressed what you are up against. You are clearly very strong and have great reserves within you. You are surround by love. I feel you will meet all this with strength and love and courage.

I really see the warrior in you.

Jane Poe (aka Deborah) said...

What a profoundly deep, honest and amazing piece ... you truly are a warrior, Tammy.
Much peace & love, JP

chiefbiscuit said...

Words don't seem to be adequate to express how this makes me feel Tammy. You use words so well to explain what it is like to be imprisoned inside your own body. All I can say in return is thanks and that you are inspiring and wonderful.
I just hope you can hope away all your fears.

Terri /Tinker said...

You are such a brave warrior woman, Tammy. You inspire me every time I read your words. Despite being dealt such a bum hand, you just keep on playing the hand dealt you - and doing it with style. Hang in there, sweetie. ((Hugs))

Rethabile said...

Tammy,
I don't know what to say. So I will say it later when I have found it.

I feel obliged now, after reading just two of this week's posts, to try something of my own.

Thank you for this.

Jessie said...

Tammy, these words are proof of your strength. I feel like I learn so much from you. You really are an amazing woman.

Tammy said...

Wow - what amazing, powerful words. You shared from your heart and soul and that came through. Your words have touched me today!

Strong, amazing woman - that's you!

bella said...

Tammy, you are such a beautiful soul. These fears are deep and dark, but I know that warrior spirit within you shall overcome. ((hugs)).

Left-handed Trees... said...

Beautiful words here...your determination touches me deeply and I wish you all the best.
Love,
D.

daisies said...

you are so full of love, beauty, determination and courage ~ these things will not let you down ... hugs

you are an amazing woman

Bongga Mom said...

Wow, sorry I'm late getting to your site but I just got back from a weekend away -- I wish I had read your wonderful piece earlier!

Colorsonmymind said...

Oh such shivers and love brought out while reading this.

You beautiful soft strong creature.

I loved what you wrote here.

Love and snuggles

Jana B said...

I wrote you a long e-mail... and then realized I was really writing it to myself. So I'll just post my thoughts here...

I can't believe for even a moment that your voice would ever leave. Your writing, your planning, your love... these will speak, even if your lips can't form the words.

Rethabile said...

You're a strong bit of woman, honey. May God continue to grant you this.