Wednesday, April 30, 2008

3WW - "Frustration"

While our spring projects are underway I'm left feeling useless and lazy. I know being disabled makes you disagree with me about using the word lazy but it's exactly how it feels while everyone is working so hard. I used to be a very hard worker and always had plenty to do in the old days. When you have been disabled for a long time people stop thinking of you as a productive person. If I add my two cents in the kitchen from years of cooking I get ignored or if I have an opinion on something it's not taken as seriously as before my illness. I'm disabled physically not mentally.

I must fight daily to remain Tammy but since the move I have become more dependent. I don't have a support system in place yet so I'm needing to make some changes. The wetsuit for my new pool will be here next week and I will work to grow stronger. Heating it with sun through the open door, a thermal blanket cover and adding hot water will work. I'm getting my car fixed to venture out into the world again while also forcibly tagging along on some errands with Dave. It's a slow process for Dave to take me on errands but I'm insisting. ;) It's feels good to have a say in plants for the pond or the food I eat.

Many stores are too huge for me but God bless scooters! I remembered my glasses and he didn't so the scooter allowed me to shop WITH Dave at Home Depot. Dave must have rolled his eye's at least three times but he could not read any labels...ha! The crip was leading the blind! He usually forgets what I have added to the list but not this time as he tried to pick up the pace. When I reversed the scooter it made a loud beeping sound that made us cringe but the flashing yellow light kept me from mowing down customers. I even had him take me to lunch afterwards trying to show him slowing down can be nice.


Empty - Highway - Ignored

Frustration

Life is a busy highway
where speed chases you
off into the ditch
leaving you behind
empty and worn.

My truth will speak
I will not be ignored
into an empty shell
silenced by ignorance
sullen and defeated.

Take a walk in my shoes
feel the you trapped inside
fighting to break free
downward stares
sad and frustrated.

Find your own way
through the thickets
leaving the scars behind
keeping your voice
loud and true.


The waterfall garden pond will be unveiled next week as the last shipment of rocks and plants come in on Sat.

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20 comments:

gautami tripathy said...

Hey Tammy, we all go through these phases. You are not one to give in to frustration. You gonna be ok!

HUGS!

It sure feels good to be back!

Linda Jacobs said...

You are beautiful inside and out! I love your gumption! And your poem is heartfelt and real!

paisley said...

you are the toughest of all warriors tammy... and we can all take a lesson from you on this =one... of course personally... if i get any more sedate about things.. i just may fall permenantly asleep!!!!!!

great post!!

TC said...

*HUGS*

I cannot imagine the frustrations you must face, but you're truly doing so much, fighting for what you want. Keep it up. It's always a good lesson for everyone to realize we need to depend on each other a bit.

tumblewords said...

That's one of the hardest things for me to learn - that of asking for help and feeling valuable in areas that a physically inaccessible. It happens to everyone at some point, I think. You're wonderful - just keep plugging. Your hot tub sounds marvelous!

Lucy said...

you keep keeping that voice loud and clear sweet tammy! :)

Greyscale Territory said...

The sense of spirit in your fight is utterly amazing. I always feel uplifted when I read your words.

Gemma

anthonynorth said...

Well done. You hang on in there. Magnificent.

Nancy said...

Wondering how you're doing today...hoping our talk helped even a little.

My heart aches a bit for what you're going through. It can be a tough, isolating world...but I have the utmost confidence that you will do everything in your power to make it much, much better.

I love you,
Nancy

Star said...

I love that you had your glasses and got a little of the control back ;-) In a different way, my father faced this as he progressed through Alzheimer's; he was not longer able to do the things he used to do and it was frustrating for him because he "knew" that he should know how and didn't, and also it did a number on his feeling useful to those around him. While it may take effort from family and friends, it is important for us (them) to help find the work-arounds that allow the greatest independence. It sounds like you are working things out gradually in your new circumstances. Keep up the good work!


Those scooters are really nice. My MIL usually uses them for shopping at the big box stores and for groceries. She can be kind of a speed demon, though, how about you?

Brian said...

((((((Tammy))))))

I can say with all honesty that you are a hero to me. I understand full well that this is not how you envisioned your life turning out, but yet you try every day to be normal. And normal is what you are Tammy. You're loving and passionate and feisty and daring and all the things that most people never feel. You haven't made the best of things because that would mean people would pity you. No, you've made a better thing out of your life and by being forthright and honest you've changed not only my life for the better but many others as well. You are a warrior Tammy and I am very honored to call you friend and very humbled by all that you do.

Do not apologize for your physical lack and do not agonize for your situation. What will be will be and you can rest assured that I will always be grateful I met you. Your spirit moves me to tears... or was it the onions? I'm never quite sure. :)

Love ya

daisies said...

and yet here you are being incredibly productive, teaching me stuff ~ may is filled to the brim with busy for me, so much going on that i was feeling overwhelmed and now i remember that the busy is wonderful because it is filled with people and family and i am fully capable of doing the work needed and that is something to be grateful for ... thank you my beautiful friend, you hottie on the scooter :)

Becca said...

Tammy, having just gone through an experience where I was only the slightest bit dependent on others, believe me, it takes great courage to ask for help and receive it graciously. As long as you retain that feisty spirit, nothing can stop you.

Love ya!

Geraldine said...

You go girl! Sometimes we really do have to stand up and make sure we are counted. Disability can take many a form. I don't think you are disabled Tammy, not at all. I think you have a wonderful spirit and presence and you don't deserve to be marginalized in any way. Sorry for the issues and trials you face, I know it can't be easy. Know that you have so many people who think the world of you and all your talents. Count me in! Huggs, G

www.mypoeticpath.wordpress.com

lissa said...

your blog name fits you perfectly - you are a warrior and you know just how to conquer what ever it is that comes your way, I would have title the poem something other than frustration, it sounds positive to me, especially the last part - maybe "hear me" or "loud and true"

bella said...

this poem gave me a lump in my throat. I want to roar, to weep, to sing.
you're beauty moves me, your courage and dignity and the power of your voice rocks me to my core.

Chris said...

You need a Harley Davidson vest to ride that thing:)

one more believer said...

it is that warrior spirit within in that drives the scooter... and the backing up noise... what an adventure life can be in the middle of it all...

giggles said...

Tammy I can empathize. You are so right, it's as though we're uninformed. When actually we've had the experience, now we have time to absorb even more. I was on the treadmill of life on high speed. But now, I know things I never knew before!!! High Five Girlfriend!

Hugs Sherrie

tinker said...

Good for you, Tammy - piping up for yourself and getting out! Good thing for him, you were along with YOUR glasses - plus I bet once he got there, he enjoyed seeing how sporty and cute you looked on that scooter in your boots :)
XOXO