In Sickness and in Health

When I wrote my wedding ceremony I kept the part about in sickness and in health, until death do us part. I conveniently and purposely left out obey. ;) Don't get me wrong, I have complete faith in Dave's love, but I feel there was a smidgen of denial when he said "I do." When we fall in love we rarely think about our spouses personality realities. We don't scrutinize our spouses, before marriage, to see if they could handle the other getting a devastating illness. Most of us put our faith in love, but in my case I had to ask the hard questions. He passed with flying colors. So why is it I fear becoming a burden?

Some people are natural nurtures and some are just not. In many marriages it's not always a 50/50 deal. There is usually one partner who is the "glue" that binds the family together. Ironically, if that is the spouse to fall ill the family can fall like a house of cards. It starts with the healthy spouse and they set the example for the kids. The healthy spouse can get angry that ALS has stolen their dreams, changed their future and has no cure. Good caregivers are hard to find and very expensive for full time care. The spouse must continue to work and then becomes a stressed out caregiver once he returns home. Finances get drained by part time care. The spouses might yell, bully, don't listen to the doctors, are physically rough and threaten to put their loved one in a home. The once strong spouse is put in a resentful atmosphere feeling like a burden. THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE! They did not ask for this and deserve love and understanding. They do not enjoy the "luxury" of being bathed, a stranger wiping their ass and being stuck in a chair!

I'm reading more and more about stories like these. Some get divorces to afford home care, but may lose their children. Some have gone to a home for their families sake but receive horrible care. I am shocked by the fact that this is not rare for families living with chronic illnesses. The abuse has got to stop! Barack said in a debate with McCain he wanted more help for patients with diseases like ALS, but will he do it? I'm holding him to it because I am sickened at the thought of these stories. There are many spouses who are excellent caregivers, but what about the many others? We need covered home health care added to more affordable heathcare. These families have to be poor to receive help, so what happens to the sick middle class?

I see Dave through new eyes and I'm very lucky to have him. I'm working on not asking for something when he's busy because I hate that impatient "WHAT?" I tell him I can't see through walls and he apologizes. Is that just a man thing? He is a wonderful man, married to a handful and yet he still loves me. We have a plan that we must save for now. I will have part time caregivers and I am willing to go to a hospice for respite care once in awhile to give Dave a vacation. I know where Dave will struggle and when I will need to be more patient. My mantra is "don't sweat the small stuff" which I really suck at.

If you have a sick friend, single or married, don't be afraid to lend a hand and include your kids. Most people will lose friends on their journey so they could use a real friend. Even if it's a visit and a hug, because you never know what's going on behind closed doors.

This truth needed to be told.


Photo by Deviant Art called The Rainbow
by fearless vampire