Thursday, February 05, 2009

OSI - "Slowly"

Dr. Oskarsson, my new Neurologist at the new ALS clinic in Sacramento, CA

SLOWLY

The clock turns through the years
as a dark shadow begins whispering

why you and not her?

We are all warriors battling the
same deadly foe and yet, here I stand.

Why you and not him?

Is there a reason or is it just by chance
that I have slipped past my foe.

Why me and not them?

I must continue to fight my battle with their
names etched in my heart as
time moves on slowly.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I had my EMG today and the results keep leading to the same diagnosis, ALS.( I had my first one 14 years ago) I keep hoping to hear that I don't have ALS because I'm still here and walking. 9 out of 100,000 have ALS and 1 out of 800 deaths are from ALS. Wow! That speaks volumes. The "average" life span with ALS is 3-5 years, but then you can chose to live on a ventilator for years. I need an explanation as to why, after 18years, I'm doing so well. Is it survivor's guilt or fear that keeps me questioning?

P.S. Only the needle in upper arm hurt. I had 3 in arm, 1 in hand, 3 in leg, 2 on back and one under my chin. (for tongue) Dave, of course, captured the one that hurt. lol Not comfy but not that painful.

22 comments:

zoya gautam said...

i wish u well tammy

Amias said...

I am praying for you Tammy ...

SandyCarlson said...

You're in my thoughts. Your spirit is strong. You are an inspiration.

Michelle said...

Awe Tammy. I'm sorry for the needle that hurt... and that the news wasn't different. Fourteen years is a bit unusual from what my friend told me, (his son died within 3 short years of being diagnosed with ALS), however you are not the only person I know of who lived a long time after diagnosis.
We had a friend when we lived back east, she played piano every Sunday at our church... she lived to a ripe old age! It's God's decision, I guess, and your just not finished with whatever you're supposed to do yet! :)

Lucy said...

awww Tam! hate to see u in pain.
Did u deck him when he was done?
I am not sure what keeps u questioning, but i do think you should stop questioning it and just embrace it. i hope u continue to be that unusual case that makes all the medical books and brings hope to so many.
i believe in miracles tam, I know u do too
xoxox

Geraldine said...

Oh dear Tammy, I am SOOOOO glad you are with us. But I am so sad to know of all your struggles and pain. Lots of hugs, G

Tabor said...

That picture is painful! What a bunch of shots. You are going to live a long time to a ripe old age as Michelle's friend did. Guess you have to accept that.

fourwindshaiga said...

Tammy, you are in inspiration to everyone pulling a heavy load. That might be reason enough.

Good poem, by the way.

Quiet Paths said...

You are a messenger of hope and inspiration. Always prayers...

Cheryl said...

You are a warrior, a beautiful soul that touches lives and inspires. Sometimes the medical field just can't give us answers, I know that is frustrating. I'm just so glad that your here and that I found you.
XXXXXX

Mary Timme said...

I believe the why question is always there, even if it is the wrong one to ask. I've asked it about my DH's recovery from West Nile Virus Encephalitis just before he turned 80, and about myself when I realized I've managed to outlive two overdoses of morphine at two different times in my life.

But, I've lived so long now, I don't care why so much as I care, what can I do! You've done so much, Tammy!

Joyce Ellen Davis said...

Tammy, m'dear, why NOT you??? xo

paisley said...

i heard it said once that you are exactly where you are supposed to be.. so don't let guilt mar your enthusiasm.. we need you... maybe that is why you are here today.... who knows....

Tammy said...

I'm still the same Tammy, I just was thrown by the 1 in 800 deaths each year are from ALS. It was a spontanious poem from the heart. I'm not dwelling on it just blown away. I'm not the only one. :)

Maggie said...

Tammy,
You are a true warrior and I think that and prayer is what has kept you on the winning side.

My heart goes out to you in this battle.

Annie said...

Dearest Tammy, Everytime I think your name, there is a prayer attached to that thought. Love, Annie

Nance said...

First, thank God it IS you. For whatever reason...

Second...I did not like that test when I got it...and there you are SMILING?? Omg.

Finally, what's up with the boobies? (The Boobies are what's up!)
LOL

Damn I love you.

paris parfait said...

Oh, Tammy, you are inspiring all of us and it's your strong spirit and courage that keep you fighting and LIVING! A powerful poem, dear Warrior. xoxox

if said...

a time for everything...

daisies said...

miracles happen every day with each sunrise and there is a time for everything, a purpose for all ... much love, xo

gel(Emerald Eyes) said...

I'm sorry it seems that you have the same ALS diagnosis. YOu ask why you've survived so long. I think it's your survivor attitude and there's ALWAYS those who beat the odds, who defy those statistics. Remember they are an average... May you continue to be one them!

w/love,
gel

Amber said...

Well, I'm not looking the gift horse in the mouth! Just happy you ARE here, sharing your wisdom. God had a reason, and you took up the job. I hope you live to be eighty, still wondering why.

:)