Three Word Wednesday - Fracture, Noise,Vanish

He remembered me as the grandmother who calls him TK. Because I am the only one who cannot call him Tuni, it just doesn't fit for me. Tuni Kitkawu is his first and middle Native American name meaning young blood. His daddy is a Mi-Wuk dancer with long black hair and TK is the blonde blue eyed version, of his daddy's culture.

I had not seen him for a few months when he had arrived at my door that day. Time is longer in toddler years but he ran to me hugging my torso. He saw the walker that he had grown up riding and then heard my voice yelling out "TK." He new that the grandma that he called on the phone, spoke funny and called him TK was me in the flesh. Last I had seen him he was a typical 3yr old with charm. This 3 1/2 yr old was very different.

The new TK was inquisitive and always asked why, no matter how many answers he received. He had better manners than his own parents and if they told him no he obeyed. He would ask for things in the third person like "Tuni likes juice" and we replied "would you like some?"Tuni came back with "yes, thank you." Watching him with his mom was so special for me because she was so affectionate with him. It made me see the cycle of robotic affection had been broken and it flourished in that family. I was so moved by just watching them.

There was a fracture in previous generations in my family that kept emotions inside. There were thank you hugs, goodbye hugs and visiting relative forced hugs. Jess and TK's love was much deeper and part of me still craves that. I knew I wanted more affection as a kid but never knew how to get it. Sadly, I tried hard to be more affectionate with my own kids but I would forget in the business of life. Happily I'm now a witness to such strong love that it brought tears just to watch. I told my daughter what an excellent job she had done in finding the balance of being affectionate and firm. He was a delightful child to be around and that was not what I expected.

I'm writing this particular visit in my journal because of one moment in time that I will never forget. It was early evening and the house was full of noise. Dave cooking, Jess was watching a movie and I was in my recliner just relaxing. When TK came up from behind me asking "watcha doin gramy?" "not much TK " I replied. He then crawled into the crook of my arm and body while looking into my eyes silently. In that moment TK was no longer there as I gazed into my mother's eyes. She took the back of her hand and gently caressed the side of my face. She spoke through TK' s eyes telling me she was sorry for my pain but that it will be okay. After an I love you she vanished as TK bent over to kiss me without a word. He squirmed off of my lap to see what grampy was cooking. 3yr olds don't do that with their hands or get that look.

My mom died suddenly of the benz, while scuba diving, at 44. What a special way to let me know she's watching and loving me still.