Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Three Word Wednesday - Fracture, Noise,Vanish

He remembered me as the grandmother who calls him TK. Because I am the only one who cannot call him Tuni, it just doesn't fit for me. Tuni Kitkawu is his first and middle Native American name meaning young blood. His daddy is a Mi-Wuk dancer with long black hair and TK is the blonde blue eyed version, of his daddy's culture.

I had not seen him for a few months when he had arrived at my door that day. Time is longer in toddler years but he ran to me hugging my torso. He saw the walker that he had grown up riding and then heard my voice yelling out "TK." He new that the grandma that he called on the phone, spoke funny and called him TK was me in the flesh. Last I had seen him he was a typical 3yr old with charm. This 3 1/2 yr old was very different.

The new TK was inquisitive and always asked why, no matter how many answers he received. He had better manners than his own parents and if they told him no he obeyed. He would ask for things in the third person like "Tuni likes juice" and we replied "would you like some?"Tuni came back with "yes, thank you." Watching him with his mom was so special for me because she was so affectionate with him. It made me see the cycle of robotic affection had been broken and it flourished in that family. I was so moved by just watching them.

There was a fracture in previous generations in my family that kept emotions inside. There were thank you hugs, goodbye hugs and visiting relative forced hugs. Jess and TK's love was much deeper and part of me still craves that. I knew I wanted more affection as a kid but never knew how to get it. Sadly, I tried hard to be more affectionate with my own kids but I would forget in the business of life. Happily I'm now a witness to such strong love that it brought tears just to watch. I told my daughter what an excellent job she had done in finding the balance of being affectionate and firm. He was a delightful child to be around and that was not what I expected.

I'm writing this particular visit in my journal because of one moment in time that I will never forget. It was early evening and the house was full of noise. Dave cooking, Jess was watching a movie and I was in my recliner just relaxing. When TK came up from behind me asking "watcha doin gramy?" "not much TK " I replied. He then crawled into the crook of my arm and body while looking into my eyes silently. In that moment TK was no longer there as I gazed into my mother's eyes. She took the back of her hand and gently caressed the side of my face. She spoke through TK' s eyes telling me she was sorry for my pain but that it will be okay. After an I love you she vanished as TK bent over to kiss me without a word. He squirmed off of my lap to see what grampy was cooking. 3yr olds don't do that with their hands or get that look.

My mom died suddenly of the benz, while scuba diving, at 44. What a special way to let me know she's watching and loving me still.

20 comments:

Jane Doe said...

What a beautiful, touching post. As someone who grew up in a family that showed little affection, I can relate to this post a lot. It brought tears to my eyes.

ThomG said...

Wow what a touching post. I really liked this for so many ways.

hope you are doing well.

Soul Trade

babbleamble said...

I'm sorry for your loss but glad she found you one last time.

Tabor said...

You do live a very special life, Tammy. The photo of the two of you shows me you are related both in look and gesture. It sound like things are coming full circle and a perfect circle at that!

Lucy said...

oh tammy, this was so moving.
I know that your mom DID speak to you through beautiful tk.
So tragic that she was taken so young.
Very honest to admit and true for so many families, that life gets in the way of all those things you swore you would do differently.
VERY touching post sweetheart.
You DO write well with a migraine!
xoxox

aspiemom said...

What a sweet post! I urge you to print a copy and put it somewhere for TK.

turquoise cro said...

TK is getting soOOOo big!!! What a tender special moment that was Tammy! Thank YOU for sharing! (((((Tammy)))))

Asleep On My Feet said...

A beautiful memory, worth treasuring. I believe children are natural mediums, much more in tune with the spirit world than we are. It is a shame the way we "grow up" and forget how to make contact with other worlds as we get older.

Giggles said...

Dear Tammy I know exactly what you're speaking about...exactly. It's a knowing!

What an old soul your grandson is. You are such an intimate person, hard to believe there was rare affection in your childhood!

Beautiful heartfelt post as always!
Love SHerrie

anthonynorth said...

A beautiful and touching post. A reminder of good in the world.

Kay said...

This is absolutely beautiful Tammy. It deserves to be more widely published. Thought about that? It is wonderful. What a special, special moment you have captured as well as the way family relationships are. It is so real. Thank you Tammy.

gautami tripathy said...

I am touched by this post!

blowing over that mug of coffee

Nancy said...

Ok then, just another simple Tammy post that makes my eyes dampen and my heart warm.
Thank you again and again.

Love you,
Nance

thelittlewriterthatcould said...

Holy Cats, Tammy... I am totally tearing up right now. I know exactly the kind of moment of which you speak. How incredibly powerful and precious. You are a lucky lady.
~April

lissa said...

what a beautiful reminder and such a sweet child

Tumblewords: said...

Tammy, how sweet this is! I can see the whole picture and it gives much warmth...Wonderful!

Jeeves said...

Touching

Becca said...

Tammy, your writing always gives me hope. You convey your strength and emotional connection with people in such a special way.

TK will love reading this someday :)

TJ said...

Hugs ! and love....I just can not belive he has grown so much! i remember when he was born....what ab be he is ! U have had such great momnet with him...that makes me smile....

emmapeelDallas said...

I agree with the others, Tammy, this is a beautiful and touching post.