Frustrated

It's the middle of winter and I'm frustrated that I have let my life suck me dry of creative motivation. I don't want to blog, work on my novel or read. This is not me and I know the cause but I can't seem to shake it, so I'm posting it away!

Winter is very hard on ALS. I don't leave the house much, I get very weak and off balance from being stationary due to the cold. My over-salivation is causing windpipe choking, I've lost my confidence in what I used to do without thinking and my meds at night are not working as well on stiffness because my body has gotten too used to them. My mind starts to convince me that I'm progressing and in a small way I am. I'm not whining because this has been going on for 16 winters now and with updated medicine dosages I will do better. Spring will brighten my mood and the sun will warm my body just like everyone else. I just miss my creativity and refuse to wait for Spring!

Dave has been gutting our bathroom due to dry rot and mold for a week (two weekends). It's good to do indoor projects in winter but I've had to hike to shower to our mudroom bath, across the house, while looking at my precious toilet in the backyard. I brushed my teeth in the kitchen sink and my stuff was scattered all over the house. It's was a pain mainly because I'm so short in that tiny shower stall I felt like I was drowning. I must admit though that Dave's conversations with the corroded fixtures, his colorful language and his adorable plummer's crack was almost worth the hassle. He called in sick in the middle of the week just to get me out of the house for a movie. The pursuit of Happyness" with Will Smith made me see how blessed I am even without my mojo and my toilet.

While all this was happening my sweet little dog Nikki had been keeping people away with her bad breath, so we took her to the vet for a teeth cleaning. We found out she had a growth and needed a biopsy on her gum...here we go again! Flashes of Manny came into my head. Turned out biopsy was clean of cancer, eight teeth were removed and a cleaning was completed. When they called with the cost of her big day I was horrified! I was thinking of what we needed for the new house yet and was scared to tell (watch our money) Dave how much it was. I called him at work (chicken that I am) and he said "aww...poor Nikki" AFTER I said $449 bucks. Who stole my husband?...Nikki, that's who! There goes my vanity for the new house and when did Nikki become my competition!

Somewhere in this chaotic winter I lost my upbeat attitude, so over the weekend I cranked up my electric blanket and watched the Lifetime movie channel. Wouldn't you know they would be showing a movie of a woman dying with ALS...yup! Did I mention heightened emotions are part of ALS? In bed I stayed!

The bathroom looks great and my toilet is in its proper place. I can once again enjoy my morning Nikki kisses without holding my breath. Maybe my mojo will return soon?

Create a Connection- "Best and Worst"

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times..." (Charles Dickens, "A Tale of Two Cities)

Guest host for Wednesday "Create a Connection" is Deb at Red Shoes Rambling.

Best and Worst

1. What's the best place you ever lived? The house I live in now because I bought it on my own, then married Dave and he filled it with color inside and out. The worst? The apartment I brought my first born child home to. A weed from outside grew inside and behind her crib...can you say OLD and creepy?
2. What's the best place you ever visited on holiday/vacation? I fell in love with kauai with a girlfriend and then I brought my groom to be married on Bali Hai beach in Kauai. Seeing it again through his eyes was spectacular. The worst? Waikiki on my first honeymoon because we missed our flight, I left my purse at the airport, we had bad trade winds and I got Bronchitis.
3. What's the best job you ever had? Working as a contractor for Apple Computer managing their office supplies. I supplied 2 million dollars a year of office supplies around the United States, France and Japan. I had an assistant and a shared secretary...Loved it! The worst? The contractor I worked for because it was a cut throat, "man's world" company and had massive sexual harassment problems.
4. What's your best talent or ability? Giving advice and being an encourager. I tend to see solutions to problems on the fly. Your worst? Labeling people which leaves little room for second chances.I usually can size someone up pretty quick and can easily move on using that intuition. If I am wrong and start a relationship I tend to take alot of crap before I walk away.
5. What's the best decision you ever made? To leave my first husband. It was my first clean slate. The worst? Is following my first husband down the path to hell bringing two innocent lives with me.I have yet to forgive myself for his bad influence in their lives.
Bonus (so we can end on a positive note!): What's one good thing about you that isn't covered in the questions above, but that you'd like to share with the world?
I'm an open book...you can ask me anything!

One Deep Breath- Haiku "Reflections"

Beauty worshiped

reflection

God's creation

Christmas memories

vintage light reflectors found

childhood restored

Still water canvas

mirror image of above

impressionism

The nature pictures are from stock.xchng and the vintage light reflector picture is my photo of my mother in law's tree this year. I fought Ebay wars to bring my husband's childhood tree to life in our new home for next Christmas ;)

Sunday Scribbling - "Idea"

I have always had an idea for continuing my quality of life once I could no longer walk. It started with my wacky sense of humor, but through the years it's turned into a family joke with a life of its own. My idea is to velcro the walls in my house and wear a velcro suit so that I can join Dave, family and guests throughout the house. Not wanting to miss out on any of the fun or conversations due to being confined by space or ability.

I would simply have Dave stick me to the wall instead of always being in a wheelchair or laying down. I used to say "just stick a bucket under me" but now we add to the story with embellishments of catheters and tubes as the years with ALS keep adding up (a good thing). No sore butt, bedsores or boredom for me! Dave recently added the idea of his own suit so I could be stuck to him when he gardens. You ever see that commercial of that woman stuck to her husband to remind him of his health? We would do a more fun version ;)

We shared my wacky idea with Dave's 83yr old mom to see her reaction and she said, straight faced, "I saw that on Letterman once." We looked at each other and busted up laughing. It's all in fun, but to me it's full of possibilities and hope. Old family joke? Maybe! I found that segment Dave's mom saw on YouTube of Letterman wearing MY IDEA! Oh well maybe I'll invent a nicer looking suit ;) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-kDG018l4lA

Women

This is for the amazing women I have come to know ;) I received two separate emails by two different women on Maya Angelou's wisdom and I thought I'd share it...

WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....
enough money within her control to move out
and rent a place of her own even if she never wants to or needs to...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....
something perfect to wear if the employer or date of her
dreams wants to see her in an hour...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
a youth she's content to leave behind....
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....
a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to retelling it in her old age...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .....
a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....
one friend who always makes her laugh...
and one who lets her cry...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....
a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....
eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a
recipe for a meal that will make her guests feel honored...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....
a feeling of control over her destiny...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to fall in love without losing herself...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
HOW TO QUIT A JOB,
BREAK UP WITH A LOVER,
AND CONFRONT A FRIEND WITHOUT RUINING THE FRIENDSHIP...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
when to try harder...
and WHEN TO WALK AWAY...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
that she can't change the length of her calves,
the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
that her childhood may not have been perfect...but its over...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
what she would and wouldn't do for love or more...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to live alone...
even if she doesn't like it...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
whom she can trust, whom she can't, and why she shouldn't take it personally...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
where to go...
be it to her best friend's kitchen table...
or a charming inn in the woods...
when her soul needs soothing...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
what she can and can't accomplish in a day...
a month...and a year...

By Maya Angelou


Few Quotes by Maya Angelou

"I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands;
you need to be able to throw some things back."

"I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance."

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did,
but people will never forget how you made them feel."

Poetry Thursday- Cliche'

This week we are to choose a cliche' and let the meaning of the cliché (or clichés) be the stimulus for a poem. I chose "Time is a cure" and Mary Oliver's poem nailed this cliche' for me. My ALS has given me time to heal from the fear of death, which could have broken me . I feel my acceptance of ALS has been a cure for my spirit.

CREATE A CONNECTION PHOTO THURSDAY
Time will also FIND a cure, which fits in with "Create a Connection's" theme of "Find."

When Death Comes

When death comes
like the hungry bear in autumn;
when death comes and takes all the bright coins from his purse

to buy me, and snaps the purse shut;
when death comes
like the measle-pox

when death comes
like an iceberg between the shoulder blades,

I want to step through the door full of curiosity, wondering:
what is it going to be like, that cottage of darkness?

And therefore I look upon everything
as a brotherhood and a sisterhood,
and I look upon time as no more than an idea,
and I consider eternity as another possibility,

and I think of each life as a flower, as common
as a field daisy, and as singular,

and each name a comfortable music in the mouth,
tending, as all music does, toward silence,

and each body a lion of courage, and something
precious to the earth.

When it's over, I want to say all my life
I was a bride married to amazement.
I was the bridegroom, taking the world into my arms.

When it's over, I don't want to wonder
if I have made of my life something particular, and real.

I don't want to find myself sighing and frightened,
or full of argument.

I don't want to end up simply having visited this world.

By Mary Oliver

Create a Connection- The Dream Dinner Party

"Imagine you're going to organize a dinner party for yourself and seven guests. You can invite anyone who ever lived, whether they're world-famous or someone whose name only you would recognize. If you choose someone from the past, they will be magically alive and present for this one day. But here's the twist - in order for the magic to work, each chair will only hold a guest who fits into a certain category. Tell us who you would invite and, if you like, tell us a little about why. What do you admire about that person or what would you like to learn from him or her?"

1. Guest one must be someone who is/was creative with words - a novelist, poet, playwright, essayist, journalist, etc. Who would you invite? I would have the poet Mary Oliver because she was the first poet I read that changed my whole view of poetry. I would love a few tips on writing poetry.
2. Guest two must be someone who is/was creative with images - a painter, photographer, sculptor, fabric artist, collage artist, etc. Who would you invite? Annie Leibovitz because she has a gift for capturing faces with her camera and the interesting stories of her subjects would be very fascinating dinner conversation. I'm sure she would have a few tips too :)
3. Guest three must be someone who is/was a performer - an actor, singer, musician, comedian, acrobat, etc. Who would you invite? Jimmy Stewart was a great actor, man and I loved everything he did. I would like to just get to talk about his life and learn something in the process.
4. Guest four must be someone who is charting/charted new territory - either in the physical sense, like an explorer, adventurer, or astronaut, or someone like a groundbreaking scientist or inventor. Who would you invite? Steven Hawking because he is an amazing scientist and he has lived so long with ALS. I'd love to argue his black hole theory with my next guest and get some info on the latest ALS gizmos.
5. Guest five must be someone who is/was a leader of other people - perhaps in the area of politics, like the literal leader of a country, or perhaps a leader in the area of religion, military, business, or even a great philosopher or teacher, or an inspiring athlete. Who would you invite? Jesus Christ, I would sit him at the head of the table hogging him from my other guests ;) I want to learn the truth about God.
6. Guest six must be someone from any field who you believe is/was underrated and under-appreciated by most people, but whom you admire. Who would you invite? Abraham Lincoln has always been a fascinating man in the history of our country and I'd love his opinion on what's going on now.
7. Guest seven is a wild card - your choice! Is there someone you'd like to invite who didn't seem to quite fit into any category, or was there a category where you'd have really liked to invite two different people? Then this is your chance to add the person you missed to the table. Who would you invite? My husband Dave so we could share the amazing moments.
Bonus: Uh Oh! The dinner party is just about to end, and all your guests are about to disappear, and you realize that you've forgotten to ask one important question of one of your guests. You just barely have time to squeeze in that last question, so quick! - what was the question and who did you ask? I would ask Jesus will I see him in heaven?

Check out Create a Connection and give it a try!