Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Miracle #2

This is a very personal miracle, but because it changed my life I need to share it. When I retired, I had accepted my diagnosis and mapped out a to do list. (In no particular order)

-Teach my girls to be independent.
-Spend quality, loving time with my girls.
-Put my house in order.
-Find peace and live a more spiritual life.

Sounds nice and all, but easier said than done! I learned about being a stay at home mom to two hormonal crazy people. I’m sorry, make that three crazy hormonal people, don’t forget me. I was trying to spend loving, quality time with kids that resented me, an ex that used my illness at every turn and no family support. It was like pulling teeth to get them to church, and going anywhere by myself was not always an option. Everyone thought I had my act together and was handling my illness amazingly well. I just was wearing a mask of lies. I was over doing things, pushing too hard and was losing my sanity.

One night as I was laying in bed, staring at the ceiling and quietly sobbing. I realized I had not cried or grieved for the loss of my health. I was trying to do everything at once, by myself and doing it all badly. I was scared. That night I gave in and let the sorrow consume me. I screamed in my head "God help me! I can’t do this! It’s too hard, and I don’t want to do this anymore. Please, help me!". I cried myself to sleep exhausted from releasing my pain.

I started to wake up some hours later in total fear! My heart was racing and I would not open my eyes. I felt someone sit beside me on my bed, the mattress move and I instinctively knew it was not one of the girls. Suddenly I felt calm and slowly decided to open my eyes. The image before me looked just like the statue of Jesus from my childhood in the Catholic church. I looked closer and saw tears were rolling down his face. He looked so sad. When he spoke, his lips did not move yet I heard him speaking to me. He said "I feel your pain, you have never been alone and I will never leave your side." He then opened his arms and I was drawn into them, as he held me tightly, rocking me with his hand holding my head against his shoulder. That was my last memory of that night.

When I woke up that morning, I felt so good and remembered every minute of what happened. I stopped being afraid and never felt alone again. That was my miracle, call it a dream, vision or whatever you want. It changed me down to my core. I had another visit years later but that was a totally different message and a different miracle.


tara dawn said...

Thank you for sharing this very touching experience. Your strength shines through your words.

Gabreael said...

What a wonderful post for the season of miracles.


Chris said...

Wow. Miracles are everywhere, aren't they? Thanks for your kind words Tammy on my blog. I tried to have the "Proud" playing on my website but I don't think if it's working. If you want to hear it, check my post again as I've posted a link for it right under the lyrics. Thanks my friend!

Sie said...

wow, what an incredible blessing.

betty said...

that is so neat to read Tammy. And its true; he will never leave you or abandon you.


Barb said...

What an incredible experience.