Saturday, April 14, 2007

Sunday Scribbling - "Secret Identity"

I have a secret identity that I have fought to keep hidden for so long that part of me wants to reveal the beast that lies within. I have tamed this monster, fighting to keep it in chains, so it can do no more damage. A few loved ones have seen it rear its ugly head, but they quickly forget as I tighten the chains. I'm forced into battle as a secret warrior for those I love. Keeping my attitude positive and not becoming a victim to my secret identity has kept me alive. My armor of strength gives them comfort but leaves me feeling bare and alone.

My children have always looked to me for advise, comfort and love. I have taught them how to be independent, arming them with all they would need to live in this world. I taught them how to treat me, allowing them to forget what I have kept hidden. Believing in my strength, their fears were slowly set aside. My heart breaks as they move about their lives not even asking if I could use their help.


If you were to pass me in public sitting at a table or reading on a bench you would be deceived. Reading my blog and viewing my photography I appear as any other. If I were to get up from that table or bench my battle scars would tell my tale. I'm never going to unleash my secret identity because it keeps me strong and fighting for normalcy. I will not feed it my power. In front of my computer I am free from all that binds me, fueling my creative voice. Feeling connected.

You can't have it both ways. You can't push it aside and ignore it, that just gives permission for loved ones to forget it's there. You can chose the "poor me" route which will feed the beast and allow it to consume you. I've chosen to write and keep my secret identity chained up tight, sword in hand. I have fellow warriors who know this beast and help me find my middle ground. Yes, sometimes my sword weighs a ton but I have no problem reminding loved ones the beast is still there.

31 comments:

Tori said...

I find it truly inspirational that you do such a good job of keeping your secret idenity under wraps.
I applaud you for reminding us all that we are in control of exercising who it is that we want to be in the world.

Star said...

The choice is there for each of us, but I don't think I know of anyone who prevails day in and day out like you do. You are truly a daily warrior, Tammy!

xoxo Star

Liza's Eyeview said...

Powerful ... inspirational ... fight the good fight Tammy - you are a mighty warrior! great post!

gautami tripathy said...

Keep up with it. I love your strength of mind.

daisies said...

and that is why you are my hero, a daily warrior who makes me smile everytime i read your words ... i loved this post, the truth, the strength and weakness binded together ... hugs hon.

Jimmy said...

I just know that I like, and appreciate the whole being that is you. What you choose to share with us is your decision daily.

Remiman said...

Tammy,
Too many would have unleashed the beast long ago and let it run rampant. Your persistance in controling your secret identity is allowing the better you to prevail. You display incredible fortitude.
rel

paris parfait said...

Tammy this is an eloquent expression of your struggles. And your persistent strength continues to inspire all who know you. You truly are a warrior to be admired! xo

Pam said...

Eloquent and moving. I will show this to my family, it will help them to understand.

bella said...

Tammy, you are a true warrior.

Crafty Green Poet said...

Excellent post. You have a lot of strength and courage.

pepektheassassin said...

Batman! Your sword is strong, your power is divine. I hope you will include this in your book!

Jone said...

True warrior and such an inspiration. thank you.

TI said...

Tammy, I love this post! You are such a daily warrior. You have so much to offer and I'm glad that we stumbled into the world on the same day of the year or I might not have known! Your Twin.

Kamsin said...

Great post! You really are an inspiration Tammy! Keep up the fight!

AnnieElf said...

Hi Tammy. By the time I got to the end of this post and embraced the idea of you as an Amazonian warrior, your wedding picture scrolled by on the slideshow. So, I clicked on there and viewed it. You are a Fairy Princess Warrior in my book and far stronger because of your fragile appearance than any Amazon could be. Swing on with that sword my warrior friend.

KG said...

Tammy, you are so strong. Every time I visit your blog, you teach me about real strength. I am glad you wrote about this --- you have enlightened me.

Jennifer said...

I want to say something really encouraging, but all I can come up with is, how encouraging you are! Good for you, down beast down! I especially want to commend you on not taking the 'pity me' route. I know people who do that over stupid stuff like a stubbed toe that lasts for days. It's just annoying...your way (especially considering the heaviness of the illness) is strengthening to you and others! Teaching your children to live independently must have been a difficult and daunting task. It sounds like a powerful and strong thing to do! Ok, I'm done ranting...lol

LisaOceandreamer said...

You are definitely Tammy Warrior Princess - your fierce determination to keep that identity hidden shows how mighty that sword is. Wield it proudly and never give up or give in! You are an inspiration my friend!
Sending love and light,
Lisa
XOXO

Bongga Mom said...

Sorry I'm so late this week getting to read everyones entries! (Just got back from a weekend away) I love how you incorporated the Sunday Scribblings theme into your inspirational piece. Great words!

Mardougrrl said...

This was incredible. Thanks for kicking my ass. I needed it.

Jolene said...

This is great, Tammy! I love the way you wrote this piece. Someday your girls will open their eyes and be there for you.
We miss you guys!
Hugs,
Jolene

vicci said...

You are SO a warrior Tammy.....and a beautiful one at that! Maybe Spring will return for a few days now! :-)

Unfolding Rose said...

I'm glad that I found your blog: your strength and courage to stop your secret identity from defining or consuming you is truly inspirational. Thanks for your lovely comment on my blog.

Brian said...

(((Tammy))))

You are strong and you have chosen to live your life on your own terms. I get inspiration from your words.

Amber said...

You ARE such a woman, and such a brave one. This poat made me sad...and it also made me happy to know you. And happy you have this outlet. And happy other people have access to you and what you offer by way of your example.

But it is also okay to not be so strong sometimes. ;)

I relate to this post, even though it is something different...When you act so strong for so long, it gives people an easy out. And then when you really need people, they don't see it so easily.

:)

tinker said...

They say the pen is mightier than the sword - well, if writers still wrote with pens, yours would be as mightier than a samarai sword!

Even a warrior woman as strong as you can use some of these sometimes - take 'em as needed, my friend: ((((HUGS))))

Tinker said...

That was supposed to be "Even mightier" - phhhtt! This computer can't type worth a darn - maybe I ought to go back to the pen :)

turquoise cro said...

I LOVE warrior movies and I would gladly fight by your side! Let me help YOU hold up that sword Queen Tammy! Keep up the good fight! dear sweet Brave heart Tammy! xoCinda

Jana B said...

"My heart breaks as they move about their lives not even asking if I could use their help. "

*hug*

Sometimes the independant spirit makes it hard when you need help... we are so busy convincing others of what we CAN do, that when we need help, they assume we can do that too. I'm not sure there's really a good solution to that... learning how to ask for help with grace and pride is certainly something I need to work on! lol (For me to ask for help, I must first try it myself, repeatedly... then throw things, when I realize I can't... then call James in tears, asking for his assistance. LOL)

It's awesome that instead of crying out from the belly of the beast as he devoured you, you spanked him good and then harnessed him... and now you can use HIS power. Bwahahaha!

Chris said...

Jeeze, you are as cryptic about your beast as Apostle Paul was about his "thorn in his flesh", aren't you?

This was a very brave post, Mrs. Warrior. Smack that beast once or twice for me while you have him/her chained up:)

Chris
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