Saturday, April 05, 2008

Sunday Scribbling - "Picture"

When I look at this happy little girl with bruised shins from running and playing, I smile. I want to hold her tightly and tell her I love her. I would assure her that I will be there to pick her up when she falls and although I may let her stumble, she will grow into a happy, loved woman.

Knowing there was a deadly gene inside this precious little body waiting to be triggered made me pause. I can't go back in time and make different choices but I can look at the journey and embrace it. I see now that all the hard times I went through, before the ALS was triggered, was my training ground for what was to come. My mom's early death, a toxic divorce and being a single working mom, toughened me up. There is a component that also made my journey easier and that is what I see in this picture. A positive, funny and happy spirit that God gave me, as my shield, when I was born.

I've been given time to adjust to my progressions and I don't take that lightly. Many have no time to adjust to this life. It may take me four times to get into bed, I may only get half my food actually in my mouth and I may need a walker for balance but I'm able to do it. Many cannot do much on their own and they have to deal with that in months, not years. They are the true warriors! I have had time to adjust, grieve, find solutions and stay positive. My disease is just another bump in the road because with the gift of time it has given me more than it has taken away.

I do need to tell this little girl to not always be so strong, that vulnerable is a good thing. People closest to me, even Dave, forget I have a disease and get annoyed at my needing help at inconvenient times (even the best of people have their moments and Dave is the BEST!). Others are eager to help but tug on my fragile arms before I'm ready or slam my head into things while lifting me. I'm always a good sport because they want to help and I've learned how to receive. lol Then there is my oldest daughter who has pushed me away because she feels unappreciated and tossed aside after my 4yr marriage and 2hr move. There is no pass on feeling like you are a bad parent or a bad wife when you are disabled. I do the best I can but I'm definitely not perfect.

This little girl all in all is going to get her fairytale life and be happy until the very end. I had to add this picture of me with my first walker. A full circle moment! Hehehe, I crack myself up!



http://sundayscribblings.blogspot.com/

29 comments:

anthonynorth said...

Beautifully said, with attitude - the right attitude!
Through adversity we find something extra.

Lucy said...

You are the most incredible spirit in this universe Miss Tammy! The little Tammy and the 'perfect' mature Tammy... Just beautiful. Your strong words (along with blackbird playing) have got me tearing up MIssy! Please try to feel the giant squishy hug I am sending you. ♥

Pam said...

You crack me up, too. I recognize the walker, my daughters had one just like it.

Fight on brave warrior, you are my inspiration and I love you.

Granny Smith said...

You inspire everyone. I am fighting the much more gradual ravages of old age with much less grace than you display. I love the photos of that happy little girl.

pepektheassassin said...

I love the little you! (I like to think of people as the Tralfamadorians in Vonnegut's Slaughterhouse Five saw them--as continuous beings, not unlike long caterpillars, with fat baby legs at one end and long, ancient legs at the other--beings forever all-one-piece, integrated and entire. The Tralfamadorians perceive the universe like this: All moments, past, present, and future, always have existed, always will exist. They can look at all the different moments just the way we can look at a stretch of the Rocky Mountains, for instance. They can see how permanent all the moments are, and they can look at any moment that interests them. It is just an illusion we have here on earth that one moment follows another, like beads on a string, and that once a moment is gone, it is gone forever.)

That Vonnegut, and his Tralfamadorians knew what they were talking about!Hehe.

I'd love to hug that little girl by hugging you. Love you a lot, dear friend.

emmapeelDallas said...

Oh, I love seeing those baby pics of you! Your incredible spirit just shines on through...beautiful post!

XOXO

Judi

Devil Mood said...

I don't even know what to say! Only that I fully enjoyed your post, while listening to Blackbird and how I'm in such awe of you. I love your honesty and your courage. And I chuckled a little too.

rebecca said...

Tammy,


Thank you so much for leaving that lovely comment on my blog since it gave me the opportunity to come and visit you. What an inspiration you are to everyone who stops in to read of the daily challenges you have in this life. Yes, God blessed you with a happy spirit and prepared you for the biggest fight of your life by giving you smaller ones to get yourself strong and able for this one. I have had family members who have had ALS and I know what you are going through. It is no easy feat. You humble me with your strength and your spirit and I look forward to coming back here and visiting often.

Blessings and Love,
Rebecca

P.S. : For the first time in my life, I hit the REJECT button on all my comments today by mistake! There were so many lovely comments on there, yours included. I couldn't believe I did it...I'm sorry you will not see it posted....:(

Inland Empire Girl said...

I love both pictures. They capture a strong, loving warrior early on. You continue to inspire me with your faith and outlook on life.

GreenishLady said...

Yes, your wonderful spirit is evident right there from the start. Beautiful pictures you chose to share and reflect on. Bless you.

Leonard Blumfeld said...

Beautiful photos and touching text.

Robin said...

Your grace and strength inspire me.

Eileen said...

Tammy,
I loved seeing both photos,reading your words.. your touching and tough spirit shining though and mostly being so grateful that I know you and am blessed to have someone as inspiring, insightful and funny in my life.

XOXOX

Chris said...

Ha ha ha! You kill me, that was hilarious, T! First walker....

Just Jen said...

Crying here, just beautiful. Not a sad cry but one of those 'Little House on the Prairie' cries. Thats what I call those happy ending cries at the end of the sappy movie. Always cried at the end of that show. :D

tumblewords said...

Thanks for sharing your thoughts and photos. It's so true that as much as we go through in 'survival' mode, there are many who didn't have a chance to do that! Your sense of humor and stalwart spirit send out pleasure!

forgetfulone said...

Great photo! I love the description, too. You sound like a very strong woman.

chiefbiscuit said...

You crack me up too Tammy - you make me smile and cry all at the same time sometimes! You're just great.

Patois said...

I have not been visiting much around the blogosphere of late, but I am so happy I have the time to do so now. Your words, your photos, your sentiments are delightful and heartbreaking at the same time. Love the full circle moment.

bella said...

This was powerful to me.
Your writing is so honest, raw, tender.
I resonated with wanting to go back and tell your little girl self that she does not need to always be so strong, that vulnerable is powerful too.
Such wise words, the kind that come not from head knowledge, but from living.

Amber said...

You have such a gift in putting things in perspective. That is one of the things I love about you. Besides the fact that you are about as far away from a "victim" as a person can get, and I really love and admire that! ;)

"Knowing there was a deadly gene inside this precious little body waiting to be triggered made me pause. "--

this also gave ME pause. I went back and looked at the picture thinking about that...As a mom, you know, with all the worry about how we need to give them the perfect life... But NOTHing is for sure. We just don't have control of everything. Who knows what gene is living inside all of us?

The only For Sure is how we choose to react.

:)

Star said...

Tammy, I feel like such a wimp sometimes when I come here. You have such a positive attitude! :)

Someday, if I'm lucky, I'll get to meet you in person and maybe a little of the warrior in you will rub off on me. Thanks for sharing the photos.

BIG HUGS to you, girl!

Star

Autrice DelDrago said...

You are an inspiration. Your post was the perfect pick-me-up for today; may your spirit always shine.

daisies said...

you are so incredibly beautiful, warm hugs and lots of love, xo

Cathy said...

You inspire me to be more grateful for life - the gifts we are given, yes - even the challenges.

The remarkable little girl grew up to be the remarkable, intelligent and funny woman I find in these narratives.

I hope there'll be healing between you and your daughter. I can't imagine she can stay mad long. She's missing so much.

paris parfait said...

Tammy, a wonderful tale of your strong spirit and the challenges that made you the amazing warrior you are today! xoxox

tinker said...

What a sweetheart - both then and now! And always, an inspiration~XOXO

UL said...

Tammy, you are a true angel-warrior packaged in one..beautiful post. love and hugs.

AscenderRisesAbove said...

I understand.