As I slipped away I could no longer feel his hand. I rose above the fog of my morphine and out of my body to a place of peaceful transition. I was still in my bedroom and yet they could not see me. I was not walking but I could move at will. There was no pain coming from my spirit and yet my heart ached as I felt their pain fill the room.
Dave held my lifeless hand to his bowed head by my side. Michelle was laying beside me on the opposite side with her arm wrapped over my shoulder. She was sobbing into my neck pleading for me not to leave her. Jessy looked frightened as she sobbed in her husband's arms. So much pain was there that I was being pulled toward them instead of drifting away.
We had a beautiful living funeral a few months back, full of people I loved. We cried and we laughed as each guest was asked to bring a "Tammy" story. Dave had read a poem I had written in gratitude and love to them all. We finished the evening with my favorite foods, music and lots of photo albums to chuckle over. It was a great support for Dave to have his loved ones close but my girl's were uncomfortable. They shared their stories but refused to accept what they had feared for most of their lives, my death. I hate funerals and being at my own living funeral kept it real, light and not drawn out. I only wanted Dave and my girl's at the end.
Dave knew from the day he met me that this day might come. Living with this for so long had eased him from denial to acceptance. The girls had never thought it would happen after the first thirteen years. Their anger at my disease remained after all these years under layers of denial and now regret. I needed to remain to ease their pain.
Michelle had always asked me as a little girl that when I died to send her a sign that I'm still around her. She has continued to remind me of this after all these years. I had not been to heaven yet but somehow I knew of the peace and love that was waiting for me. I knew I would always be with her but not as she had hoped. I found Michelle lying on my bed after they had taken my body away. I stroked her face as I allowed my scent to wash over her. She was startled but instantly knew it was me. "Mom?" she called out a bit unsure of her instincts. I then focused my energy to pop on the TV to the movie "Terms of Endearment." I had it on the scene where the mom was yelling at her son, telling him that no matter how angry he acted she would love him no matter what. She then knew I was ok and she laughed until she cried.
Jessy I found in my den doing what she had always done at my house, going through my photo albums. I wrapped my spirit around her in a protective embrace as I urged TK into the room. He looked into his mother's sad eyes and said don't worry mommy gramy is an angel watching over us. As she looked into his beautiful face she could see me in him and knew I'd always be near. She held him tightly as he looked over her shoulder, straight into my spirit, smiling. I blew him a kiss with a wink.
When Dave took my ashes to Kauai he felt lost, remembering how every visit I calmed him during the travel chaos. I followed him on the journey wrapping him in a calming love. I kept the chaos energy away from him. He hired a helicopter to fly over Bali Hai where we were married and he let my ashes cover the mountains. I wanted to look over "our beach" and the ocean. Knowing his ashes would one day follow mine, Dave felt my happiness. As he stood on the beach, just before sunset, I sent him the biggest double rainbow I could muster. He knew a part of me would always be with him and he smiled. He was grateful for the years we were given.
Once I knew they would be OK I felt my journey pulling me away. I did not feel sadness at leaving my most precious loves but a joy like nothing I've ever felt consumed me. I stood before an angel as he welcomed me. Behind him was my grandparents and mother waiting anxiously. The angel embraced me saying "well you certainly took your sweet time."
* I'm not planning on dying anytime soon but if I were to die this is what I see happening and what I've planned for. This was not written in sadness because I have been given a gift of 17years to think about it. We all should let our loved ones know what we want in the end. We are all dying at some point.
http://j3ff3rson.deviantart.com/art/Halfway-To-Heaven-92199198http://sundayscribblings.blogspot.com/
31 comments:
This is so sad and so beautiful at the same time Tammy. I hope you will be with all of us for a long time to come but when you do leave this earth, you will leave behind some incredible memories of your beauty, strength and talents. You will also leave many people who love you dearly.
I have already written a 'final' post at MPP in the event that something happens to me, I'd want to still say Farewell to my dear blog friends. Joe reluctantly (he doesn't want to think about such things) has agreed to post this one, if it ever comes to pass.
Hugs dear Tammy. G
Wow. Just wow. This brought me to tears, Tammy. Beautifully done. I feel so lucky to have found you here.
The lump in my throat was chased away by the tears down my cheeks.
Beautiful. Lovely.
beautiful and moving, a lovely piece
tammy - this is so beautiful that it leaves me weeping and speechless --- to be so prepared and have all those preparations just oozing love and comfort makes me just know how blessed your family is in having you, and how much of empathy and compassion you will have infused in them --- i don't know you, but i know very few people with a soul as beautiful and loving as yours!!!
PS:Tammy, MPP: My Poetic Path. The link was to my other cooking/craft blog, that's the last post I wrote there. Thanks for your continued support. It means a great deal to me.
Hugs again, G
Well. That made me cry!
Please, do take your sweet time!
This really left me divided: it is undoubtedly beautiful, but at the same time I was wondering how you were feeling while writing this. I was wondering if it was painful, but perhaps it was the other way around, liberating. I don't know, perhaps I should try writing about my death too, we all should.
Anyway, I think it takes some courage to write this! And as usual you excel in that department :)
I am weeping too. This is just too beautiful. Your imaginary ghost of yourself should try to leave a message to all us bloggers who love you. In the real world, however, I just hope we will all be together for a long time.
Hugs, Phyllis
while trying not to cry reading this, it is so sad that some, such as yourself, are stricken by these terrible illnesses and must think about these things, as does your loved ones...
I just got to know you and so, needing time for that, know you will be here a very long time to come!
than I hopped over to hummingbunny(I think that's the name) and that's another story....
Tammy!! You are killing me girlfriend!! MY God this was just too too moving for my current mood mamma!! HOly moly, you are an incredible writer and your heartfelt poignant posts need to be published in one fat sweet book! I have never imagined my demise and played it out like you have here, but I know I will now need to.. I am wondering the same thing that devil wondered. How did you feel writing this Miss Tammy Jane Austen??
I sure hope it is true that when we arrive, all our loved ones are up there waiting for us.
absolutely beautifully heartwrenching.
Your tale is very touching, sad and sweet too. Beautifully written and deeply caring tale! I am so glad you added the bit at the bottom that you are not planning on dying anytime soon, good to know! You would be missed dearly!
so very moving Tammy, I'm so glad I stopped by. I truly admire your strength.
I hope that is the way it works. I hope when we leave we have the gift of sending rainbows and messages, at least at first because when someone leaves us, we just need to know they are alright.
I believe without doubt I got that assurance when Jonathan died.
What a beautiful story. In the end, the love we share with others is the most important legacy we have. xx, JP/deb
Gee, Tammy. I do not know what to say except that you are a very rare and special person. They are all so very lucky you are in their lives and you are their strength.
I thought very hard on if I should write this. It's not a comfortable subject for most. I have had 17yrs to think about it and watch the denial of my family who live with it everyday.
It does not make me sad at all. We are all dying and letting our wishes known is good for everyone. My hope is that everyone talks to someone about their wishes.
My faith wrote the rest. ;)
wow what powerful writings and how brave of you to write this, it was very moving.thankyou..
wow what powerful writings and how brave of you to write this, it was very moving.thankyou..
Wow! This was beautifully written, but so much more than that, it was full of courage and gives hope to all of us who have lost someone. You are a brave and inspiring lady and I feel privileged to have read your beautiful words.
Thank you Tammy.
Bella:)
oh tammy,, this was a gift... really it was.. thank you so much for allowing us to be a part of this.. and i do soooo love the idea of the living funeral.. what a lovely approach to accepting that which we will all partake in someday...
You know two years back, I wrote my own obituary. It kinds of liberates us, does it not?
I liked this post very much. And no, I am not going anywhere. I will keep on writing.
Oh, wow, Tammy - this brought tears to my eyes, girl - though you're right, we're all headed towards the end eventually - and it's better that we make peace with it, and let our loved ones know what we want ahead of time.
You sure know how to write - and tug at the heartstrings!
~XOXO
Tammy,
I love the Love of this peace and the warmth it radiates.
rel
This is strangely inspiring - which is surprising considering the subject. Tammy , you've done it again - what a woman!
Your faith did write the rest. Very brave post, but one that I felt you wanted to write. We just had a neighbor die and she was ready to go to heaven and wanted to leave this world. That is a celebration, not sadness. You have been given a special gift and I have a feeling he isn't done having you spread more gifts yet! Bless you.
You'd think I'd be used to saying this... but...
WOW!
Not sad at all Tammy, not sad at all.
Tammy? What are you trying to do to me here? You know I can't hardly breath any way! Then when I cry,it is horrible, woman! Jeez.
You are brave to face this fact about your life the way you do. I always learn from you to be greatful and real about what we have.
:)
your strength is inspiring always. i agree, we all should discuss what we wish to occur upon our death with those we love. no matter how much your faith gives you sustenance and comfort, those who love you will be sad when you leave. there is just no way around the human emotion of loss and grief, as you know. i am sure your strength will give them strength to move past the intensity of their pain in time and to find peace.
you are right - we are all born to die - it is the fate that awaits us all. nonetheless watching it all unfold as your words told the story made me sad.
Thanks for the "heads up" as somehow I did indeed miss this entry. It's a bit too difficult to put into words for me how special this entry is. So we will talk soon.
What I CAN say is that you are right how most fear death and do not talk about it. I fall in the middle somewhere.
I really am at a loss for words to say anything of substance.
I just love the heck out of you.
Nance
i read this when i checked your blog recently but forgot to comment. it is so peaceful, and lovely...and brave, and loving. you paint a beautiful picture here. your words are art on the canvas of life.
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