A Summer of Acceptance

What a beautiful break this has been. Dave had a wonderful birthday and a bountiful veggie garden. He grew all the goodies for homemade salsa and peach pie, among others. The apples and grapes will be here soon. His salmon Begonias have arrived in all their splendor, just as most of the garden is nearing its end. September will be full of visitors, along with a speech pathologist to help me "bank my voice." This software will eventually also type with my eye, using a laser, when my typing finger calls it a day. Right now I need to spend about 10hrs recording phrases in my voice for the future, like "you wanna fool around?" and "I love you."

I've been writing poetry when I should be editing my older stuff. Dave and my buddy Pam, aka Batman, had birthdays so I wrote them each a poem. I've chatted with many blog buddies on the phone, like the birthday girl Lucy, Nancy, Robbin, Pam and Annie. I have also enjoyed emails from Julie, AKA Star, and viewing Tara's wedding photos from Georgia. Robbin is handling her chemo like a warrior and Pam took a girls road trip in her new van to Maine. Her community had an ALS fundraiser so she could get a van. She is FREE! I've carried you all with me on my break and I'm anxious to return. I've read all of your post's on bloglines so I feel in the loop.

I will be taking a memoir writing course at MediaBistro.com after I've paid the repairs on the old house. The many writing courses are not cheap but they are taught by reputable writers, thanks Nina. Poetry classes must wait but I don't see why I can't practice here. ;) I bet you all thought I was vegging out here. ;)

I now do Facebook but I'm still quite the novice. I have also become more active on the site "PatientsLikeMe." I've learned through this site to lose my survivor's guilt and finally accept my ALS DX. I no longer feel like an outsider because I now have more knowledge and knowledge is power. I have had things explained by other patients in ways that not one doctor has even tried to explain in my 17yrs with ALS.

I'm still swimming without that TIGHT wetsuit, but now I'm giving swim lessons. Thighs appear larger in water, I swear! Those are my wetsuit booties with weights wrapped around my ankles. Nikki had no idea where she was headed. :)

Tammy with NO make-up and looking mighty happy.

Journey of Acceptance

One day it had finally sunk in
what I had to accept, and name,
though I fought not to settle
on Lou Gehrig’s
for I felt it never fit
though my body
knew the secret
and locked it deep within
my future’s hope chest.

I knew I had to unlock it
though a storm blew
with its dark clouds
at the center of my being,
even though time became
my safe harbor
a fear was forever lurking
in the thickening mist.

It had been too long
and a hard time
with pieces of debris
scattered on the shore.
But piece by piece,
as I gathered time’s knowledge,
the sun began to shine
through parting grey clouds,
and there came a resolve
which had a name
though it is not who I am,
but only a piece of me
as I walk along the shore
stronger in knowing.

By Tammy for Tammy

1 in 1000 will get ALS , please find a "Walk to Defeat ALS" in your community.

http://www.alsa.org/walk/?gclid=CNvXzNmFqpUCFRxNagodKys5kA

Wish You Were Here!

Stepping back from blogging was a very liberating experience. I've gained perspective on the realities of blogging and my writing. I discovered that my personality lead me up an insurmountable hill of being a diligent commenter and a good writer. Now, I'm sleeping over 10hrs a night and love the freedom of my day this break has given me. I've gone back to 2005 and have re-worked 19 poems so far. It was amazing to see my progress but I have a lot of room for improvement. I'm grateful for the encouraging comments and wonderful poetry I've been exposed to but I need classes in English, poetry and creative writing.

My back deck is where I go to think after reading my past posts and comments. I've discovered that I'm a storyteller first and foremost. I am enjoying playing with my poetry and I will get them bound for Dave before I move on to my story. My story is for TK and since he is just 2 years old I have plenty of time. I'm not finding the online only courses I want yet but I'm not giving up. I'm guessing my college transcripts won't hold up as a prerequisite from 1981. lol


Dave and I have been creating a beautiful garden. Every morning I have my coffee and cereal looking out at our flowers before I sit in front of my computer. I have a blogroll of 52 bloggers that I read each day and feel like I'm still connected to. I have to smack my own hand to keep from sending a comment. ;) I will probably edit my bloglines before fall because this break has allowed me to get a good perspective on my blog connections. Going back over posts gave me a more objective view on what I like to write, what interests readers and who reads whatever I write regardless of comment etiquette. I can honestly say that I don't write just for me and my grandson, because if I did I would not have a blog out there for all to read. These truths and connections are important to me in re-evaluating how I will blog in the future.

I have a new garden toy that makes me squeal like a child. It's a copper sprinkler with two circles and a beautiful butterfly inside the smaller circle. The sprinkler circles move in opposite directions with water reaching out to 30ft. Each circle has holes all the way around them. When the sun hits it the yard becomes magical. $25 at Home Depot and worth every dime! Dave's gardening is infectious.

We did go visit TK and our old house. Did I mention being a landlord STINKS! Everything in that house is crapping out. Oven, electrical, plumbing and heating/air unit. We have put out more in repairs than we've received in rent, almost. Poor Dave will never see retirement at this rate but at least it's all a tax write off.

Dave's mom was able to come and spend an evening at our home due to a family wedding in Tahoe. She was so proud of Dave and his hard work that he smiled her whole visit. We had to go to the north shore of lake Tahoe for the wedding. We drove right past Emerald Bay which is my favorite spot. It was so beautiful that I made poor Dave risk life and limb for this shot. The white dots are boats so click to get a better look.

This is us waiting for the food as the night wore on with temperatures dropping. Tahoe can go from 80 to 65 in a few hours. The chipmonks were every where and came right up to us. The wedding was beautiful, right on the shore of lake Tahoe at 5:30pm with candlelight dinning. I was so cold by dark we had to leave before cake, my favorite part.

Writing, gardening and a wedding has made this a great vacation so far. Dave has a birthday on the 13th and that is the day he goes back to working nights. I'm still sorting out my fall/winter goals for my writing and blogging. But I will not stop blogging no matter what even if I have to use my homework as a post. ;)

Hugs to all of you who are struggling right now and kudos to you amazing writers/poets. Miss you!

Growing Pains

I've been feeling like I've lost my blog focus. I'm enjoying my club's, but when you crank out things on a personal deadline they start to become mediocre. I want to take time to go back over my poetry and edit them. Then I want to choose my favorites and bind them in a decorative book. I also want to get back to my "life story" book while attending online writing classes this fall. If I get that laptop, I'd like to do a "daily thoughts" journal too.

Practicing on my blog has become procrastination and in turn I have become dependent on my favorite commenter's (red flag). It's just a wake up call to take a good thing, blogging, and make it better by slowing it down. I want more balance and growth in my daytime writing hours. I've focused on my personal balance with Dave so now I need to keep moving forward.

I'm now able to swim without a wetsuit and more often, so I am feeling stronger. Dave and I are getting out more, playing with the Wii and gardening together. I no longer feel isolated up here but have adjusted to my surroundings in a productive way. Bloggers have encouraged me to spread my wings and I feel ready. I'll still be blogging and reading up on my friends, just not regularly. I still need that practice and of course my friend's. Please don't take it personally if I don't comment regularly but know I'm reading up on you. I just wanted you to know I'm not progressing physically but mentally.

I'm excited to jump in the deep end so wish me luck. ;)

Sunday Scribblings - Ghost

As I slipped away I could no longer feel his hand. I rose above the fog of my morphine and out of my body to a place of peaceful transition. I was still in my bedroom and yet they could not see me. I was not walking but I could move at will. There was no pain coming from my spirit and yet my heart ached as I felt their pain fill the room.

Dave held my lifeless hand to his bowed head by my side. Michelle was laying beside me on the opposite side with her arm wrapped over my shoulder. She was sobbing into my neck pleading for me not to leave her. Jessy looked frightened as she sobbed in her husband's arms. So much pain was there that I was being pulled toward them instead of drifting away.

We had a beautiful living funeral a few months back, full of people I loved. We cried and we laughed as each guest was asked to bring a "Tammy" story. Dave had read a poem I had written in gratitude and love to them all. We finished the evening with my favorite foods, music and lots of photo albums to chuckle over. It was a great support for Dave to have his loved ones close but my girl's were uncomfortable. They shared their stories but refused to accept what they had feared for most of their lives, my death. I hate funerals and being at my own living funeral kept it real, light and not drawn out. I only wanted Dave and my girl's at the end.

Dave knew from the day he met me that this day might come. Living with this for so long had eased him from denial to acceptance. The girls had never thought it would happen after the first thirteen years. Their anger at my disease remained after all these years under layers of denial and now regret. I needed to remain to ease their pain.

Michelle had always asked me as a little girl that when I died to send her a sign that I'm still around her. She has continued to remind me of this after all these years. I had not been to heaven yet but somehow I knew of the peace and love that was waiting for me. I knew I would always be with her but not as she had hoped. I found Michelle lying on my bed after they had taken my body away. I stroked her face as I allowed my scent to wash over her. She was startled but instantly knew it was me. "Mom?" she called out a bit unsure of her instincts. I then focused my energy to pop on the TV to the movie "Terms of Endearment." I had it on the scene where the mom was yelling at her son, telling him that no matter how angry he acted she would love him no matter what. She then knew I was ok and she laughed until she cried.

Jessy I found in my den doing what she had always done at my house, going through my photo albums. I wrapped my spirit around her in a protective embrace as I urged TK into the room. He looked into his mother's sad eyes and said don't worry mommy gramy is an angel watching over us. As she looked into his beautiful face she could see me in him and knew I'd always be near. She held him tightly as he looked over her shoulder, straight into my spirit, smiling. I blew him a kiss with a wink.

When Dave took my ashes to Kauai he felt lost, remembering how every visit I calmed him during the travel chaos. I followed him on the journey wrapping him in a calming love. I kept the chaos energy away from him. He hired a helicopter to fly over Bali Hai where we were married and he let my ashes cover the mountains. I wanted to look over "our beach" and the ocean. Knowing his ashes would one day follow mine, Dave felt my happiness. As he stood on the beach, just before sunset, I sent him the biggest double rainbow I could muster. He knew a part of me would always be with him and he smiled. He was grateful for the years we were given.

Once I knew they would be OK I felt my journey pulling me away. I did not feel sadness at leaving my most precious loves but a joy like nothing I've ever felt consumed me. I stood before an angel as he welcomed me. Behind him was my grandparents and mother waiting anxiously. The angel embraced me saying "well you certainly took your sweet time."

* I'm not planning on dying anytime soon but if I were to die this is what I see happening and what I've planned for. This was not written in sadness because I have been given a gift of 17years to think about it. We all should let our loved ones know what we want in the end. We are all dying at some point.


http://j3ff3rson.deviantart.com/art/Halfway-To-Heaven-92199198

http://sundayscribblings.blogspot.com/

Rockin' Chair Writer's Club

What's really on your mind?

I'm happy the sunsets are no longer filtered by smoke, like in this picture. The smoke has stolen my smell and taste, so back to an ENT doctor.

Excited that I'm allowed back in the pool and feeling stronger, wanting to get out more.

Pride that Jolene has raised three happy boys while getting her degree and has just graduated.

Little E, our grandson just turned 7.

Thrilled our grandson's will be here for Christmas from WA. :)

Wishing I could comfort and pamper:

Linda, who is being given a nasty drug that is making her very ill to try and cure CFS.

Pam, who's ALS is being hampered by the humidity in Vermont, affecting her lungs.

Guatami, who is down.

Robbin, who is bravely fighting cancer while grieving the loss of her son.

Gemma, who is caring for her husband the best she can.

Brian, who suffers from CFS.

TJ, who is recovering from surgery.

Bella & Eileen, who both have chronic, debilitating headaches.

Sadly there are many others saddened by loss this summer. Thinking of you all!

Wishing I could blink and meet my blog buddies in San Francisco (there is a convention thingy). It's so close and yet so far.

Our new Wii is allowing me to golf again and play tennis in my living room. Dave holds my hips and I swing away. What a gift technology is to the disabled, not to mention exercise. A video will be coming soon.

Dave and I will be planting more flowers this weekend and found a movement sprinkler to keep the deer from trampling our plants.. They hang out at our waterfall pond. More blooms and color always makes us happy.

Thankful that I'm happy, safe and relatively healthy.

http://hummingbunny.wordpress.com/2008/07/18/rockin-chair-3/

3WW - A Poem

MY REFLECTION

What life could I want to be a part of

more than my own,

waking up to a clean breeze,

serenaded by a choir of birds,

pine scent filling every corner,

flowers blooming,

a good man by my side.

It makes me remember my history

of rushing through the day,

walking past suffering,

dragging baggage, energy spent,

"things" becoming my worth.

But seeing past all that

I am rich,

not even the lottery can compare,

or a sexy little black dress

with strappy high heels.

I have all I need,

our house in the pines,

a blog with friends, a book of poetry,

along with grandsons covering

empty spaces on every wall,

and the way my waterfall-

runs over rocks-

roaring like a lion.

Don't mind me,

I'll stop pondering my old narrow ways,

to enjoy natures symphony as I sway along

while my body

heals in the cool water-

my dog lays on the deck-

and my mind floats away

carrying all my cares to the big blue sky

and gets lost in the clouds.

http://threewordwednesday.wordpress.com/ History, Narrow, Spent

Write on Wednesday

So, how about you? How does writing fit into your daily life? What’s your ideal time to write, and why? Do you “write on schedule” or “when the spirit moves you”?

I must preface this answer with a brief description of my personality. After all isn't that what truly dictates how our writing is incorporated into our lives? My family and husband think I'm quite odd and I probably am but my life works for me. I'm very organized, everything has its place and I schedule each day. This is very productive behavior for a single working mother of two. But how do I explain it now when I've got nothing but time? I justify organizing my boredom to maintain control over my life.

I awake after a good 9-10hr sleep and since I'm not strong enough to make the bed Dave makes it before he leaves. He walks me to the bathroom with my eye's half closed at 6am so he can go make the bed. He gently opens up my side of the bed and puts me back in. He is so good about my need for order.

I turn on the coffee, put the dog out to pee and add milk to my laid out breakfast. I straighten the kitchen and head to the blog room for the day. Just writing a few short email responses and commenting on my blogline blogs fills most of my morning. I then take my pills and brush my teeth (notice I don't get dressed). lol With only one finger I can chose whether to write or read/comment on any given day. My finger and body cannot do both in my allotted time of 10am to 3pm. Dave leaves my lunch in the fridge so I stop and eat, maybe get dressed and put the dog out. Once Dave gets home I take off my writing hat and slip into my wife hat.

I blog as practice for writing my life story, but being the queen of procrastination I just keep using up most of my time with prompts. I also think it's a must that I read and comment to my friends and every person who stops by to cheer me on. My blog friend's are very real to me. Some of my 10am to 3pm is chatting with my friend's and family on the phone. I think it's very important to balance my blog friends with my life long friends. I have always been very social and now living in the mountains, blogging is my social life. I should take a week long break to work on my writing every now and again. That freaks me out just a little and as I type this I see how that's not a good sign.

Weekends are always up in the air and I don't always focus on order, neatness and writing. I learned order doesn't work with Dave around because he leaves things lying around, always has a project and likes to go play. Weekends are for being married for us and everything else comes after. I'm not fond of the mess but he does support my weekday anal behavior. He even has order restored by Sunday night.

I write on schedule because that's what works for me. ;)

http://sweet163.deviantart.com/art/Check-your-watch-Cinderella-62189078
http://writeonwednesday.wordpress.com/